Several agencies working with grandparents and grandchildren were asked if the project officer could talk to the grandchildren using their services, and grandparents reported being approached by the media for interviews with their grandchildren. Both agencies and grandparents felt that the children had been exposed to enough trauma and disruption in their lives and that to be asked to talk about it with a stranger could result in further harm, family disruption and possible behavioral problems, which had already been worked through by the family.
A Children's Counsellor at a Neighborhood Centre responded that while she had counselled a number of children being raised by their grandparents, she believed that it had had very little effect on them. It seemed that in most instances, (and unless they had been sexually or physically abused by a parent), while the children loved and missed their parent/s, they were nevertheless happy living with their grandparent/s as long as they were loved and cared for.
An adult grandchild, a woman aged 35 wrote:
I will never really know if the plan was for the long or short term – but I ended up living in Sydney with my grandmother from the age of 3yrs till 15yrs (when she passed away). Neither of my parents ever visited with me, wrote to me, sent me birthday cards/presents or even acknowledged my existence during my whole time - this included providing no support whatsoever to my grandmother - financially or emotionally. I was raised in the same home that my father was.
An adult grandchild, a man aged 39 wrote:
My grandparent experienced a lot of financial hardship. In the 60s and 70s there wasn't a lot around for people who were perceived as different. ... The generation gap is a big issues for grandparents who would like to think that things haven't changed that dramatically in 20 years that they have lost touch with everything, but the reality is that they have. I found it extremely difficult in attending functions with a grandparent, who was clearly at the later end of their parenting. The link or connection between my friends parents and my grandparent was twice removed. Their interests were different, their manner was different and the whole experience was incredibly embarrassing for them. I would disqualify myself from attending a lot of things to save them the embarrassment. There are laws I guess to address much of this stuff now, but not back then! Being male made it more difficult, I'd imagine, that I would have had trouble going places with my grandparent. As I got older I was more conscious of it, but I'd hate to imagine what I would have said or done as a much younger guy. I was very mindful of the fact that my grandparent felt obligated to have me out of social expectations rather than a true desire to have me.
An agency working with grandparents and grandchildren reported that the children say they have difficulty communicating with their grandparents. They feel that they are not understood and grandparents have difficulty understanding their point of view. Many of the children say that they do not have 'normal' family activities, because they do not have enough money and because their grandparents do not have the energy.
Sometimes it's OK, sometimes it's hard. I always have to repeat myself, and most of the time they forget about things, about what I am doing. My Grandma and Pop get tired a lot. Pop has been sick, so everyone has been worried ... our family would fall apart if something happened to Pop. I can see that he is getting older, he can't kick the football with me anymore. It would be better if they were younger and could do more things. [14 y.o. boy]
It's good living with them, well, it's cool but at the moment there is me and my two sisters, my two uncles and Nan and Pop, so there isn't much room in the house. My sisters sleep in the lounge room. I'm working now so I can help pay for my own clothes and things, that's good because before we couldn't afford very much. It's better living here than with my Mum but I know that it's really hard for Nan not having money because she used to work but now she stays home because it was too hard for her to work and look after everyone. [15 y.o. girl]
It's not very cool living with Nan. Nan drives really slow, and she isn't confident driving anymore so we never go very far. My friends don't live close by so I don't get to see them that much. I don't get to see my friends that much because Nan doesn't like having any more kids here. [This boy had two other siblings aged 8 and 14 also living with their grandmother.] Nan worries about me, she worries that I will be like my Mum and Dad, but I won't. I just want to do the stuff other kids do. The good thing is that I get to play footy, so I see my mates then. [12 y.o. boy]
When we lived with Mum and Dad we could do heaps of things, we always had money to buy things, we had a lot of freedom, now we have lots of rules, and I don't even get pocket money. Nana always buys clothes that I don't like. [14 y.o. boy] I was really good at athletics but Pa said that I couldn't do it anymore because we didn't have enough money. Now we do line dancing as a family. It costs $12 for all of us, but I miss the athletics. [8 y.o. girl]
I try not to go out shopping with my Nan. People from school see me. It's not that I don't like my Nan, it's just that she's older and the kids at school look at us. I don't want them to ask me questions about why I live with my Nan so it's easier just to not go out places together. [14 y.o. boy]
My Nan and I are working together to build strength in our family. We are there for each other. Sometimes it's hard; sometimes I wished that I lived back with my Mum, and that everything was OK, but Nan looks after me. I know that she loves me and I know that Mum cannot look after me. I can rely on Nan. [11 y.o. girl]
An adult grandchild wrote:
My grandmother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was 8 yrs old. This came about as a result of the things that I was saying in primary school. The school sent me off to the child psychologist who after interviewing my grandmother realised that I was simply repeating what I was being told and believing that my life was completely normal. I do remember waiting in the corridor whilst the psychologist spoke with my grandmother. Within minutes, we left and never returned. I remember my grandmother being quite upset about the whole interview and I think that was the initial trigger point for her paranoia about me being stolen away from her. From that day we constantly hid from Welfare Authorities, especially when they knocked on our door. I kept quite about my home life and we basically shut out any intrusions. Our life was isolated, frustrating, confusing and abnormal.
My coping mechanism was my ability at a very young age to understand that granny was not well. She was suffering a mental illness and most of all, she was scared and alone. I was also extremely lucky to have a little friend who lived three houses down from us. She had everything I didn't, but I enjoyed a sense of normality when I used to go to her house and play or have dinner with her sisters, mum & dad. That was my taste of reality and confirmation that what was going on in my home - was different.
From the age of 8 upwards, I realised that I had to take responsibility for myself and as much for her as I could. This included ensuring that bedsheets were being changed, doctors' appointments where made when she was sick, medication was taken, meals were prepared and that I at least attended school. We had very little money, a small pension, no car, no outings, no visitors and spent all special occasions – birthdays / Christmas - alone, but together.
The day prior to my grandmother passing away, just days before my 15th birthday, she told me that god would always be with me and that she loved me - words I had never in my entirety heard before - someone saying 'I love you.' Due to her mental illness, I wasn't allowed a house key. This caused a major problem when I returned home one evening to find the house in complete darkness. Instinctively I knew that something was not right. I had to break into my own home and move through the darkness, room by room, flicking on the light switches, expecting to see her fallen down somewhere. But thankfully, she passed away in her sleep and tucked up in her bed. I was alone. I closed her bedroom door, phoned the ambulance, the doctor and the police. I just sat and waited for help.