6.1 Legal Issues
6.1.1 Legal Aid
Grandparents speak of the injustice of a legal system under which the parents often qualify for legal aid and continue to receive it even in circumstances where grandparents feel the action is aimed at forcing them to spend their savings. Some grandparents have been back to the Family Court eight or ten times, sometimes to arrive at court to find the parents do not attend and the hearing is adjourned. The grandparents still have to pay all their legal costs while the parents are covered by Legal Aid. Grandparents are rarely eligible for legal aid as owning even a modest home disqualifies them so they must pay for their own legal representation each time even if the hearing is adjourned. They also complain they cannot obtain information about the legal process from Legal Aid staff but the parents receive extensive assistance.
The parents had access to legal aid; we did not - my advice was because we owned our own home – legal aid would place a lien on it and could sell the house at a later stage to recover the monies. In addition I have spent approximately $4,000 on legal fees in respect to our protection of the child. (GP at workshop)
6.1.2 Cost and time
Legal action is very costly but many grandparents feel that this is the only way they can ensure that they can protect their grandchildren and that it is one way to resolve issues, however, even an uncontested case can be expensive.
The legal expenses were horrific, about $50,000 over a 2 ½ year legal battle. The mother got legal aid and still does. The care, control and residence was granted to us, but the mother was still given legal aid to take us back to court because the eldest child didn't want anything to do with her. This cost us $8,000. New orders were made which means nothing to this woman and the child got no protection from [child protection authority] or the police. The only way would be back to court. We couldn't afford that, no legal aid for us or this child, not caring for 3 children. This mother abides by no orders from the court. To care and keep these children safe and give them their rights has cost us our retirement home and the struggle of our lives, and our government failed to help these children and us. But if we'd been on the dole all our lives we would have got legal aid or [child protection authority] may have listened. (Grandparent couple 55 & 57, Grandchildren 12, 14 & 15)
I do not have legal custody of the children – their mother (alcoholic) or father (abusive) would not give permission. I did not have money to take it to court – also I would not have been sure of the outcome as many judges / magistrates appear to favour children being with natural parents in spite of their lifestyle. (Grandmother 65, Grandchildren 11 & 12)
6.1.3 Custody issues
Grandparents find the Family Court system and its rulings particularly difficult. Grandparents may be awarded a residency order placing the grandchildren in their custody until the children turn 18, but the parents may contest the order, for example, the access arrangements or seek to have the order overturned at any time. Or orders may be made which cause parenting problems for grandparents. In one example, the grandchildren's father is in prison for 18 years; their mother is dead and they live with their grandparents but the father still has legal custody, and still has the final say on decisions affecting the grandchildren's care.
Another quite common problem is when orders are made for the parents to have access rights but they are erratic in exercising those rights, if at all, leaving the grandparents to deal with hurt and disappointed grandchildren. They do not want to alienate the parents, often their own adult children, but they see the effects of the parents' behaviour on the grandchildren.
We've been to court 6 times. The court gives the mother access but she doesn't exercise it, then 12 months later she turns up demanding to see her daughter. The child doesn't want to go, and anyway, I don't know where the mother lives so I wouldn't let her take the child last time, so now we're going back to court on Wednesday. (Grandmother 61, Grandchild 10)
Our experience was a positive one. Lawyers were sympathetic and so were the courts. [child protection authority] once they could see we were not neurotic grandparents were helpful, however, their speed of action was not quick but I find the lack of follow-up advice and interest concerning. No help was forthcoming for advice as to how we could pursue our case. (Grandparent couple 50 & 54, Grandchild 2)
Frankly, I am happy with the present situation, however I do worry about her long-term future from time to time.
(Grandparent couple 58 & 63, Grandchild 21 months)
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6.1.4 Grandparents' rights & responsibilities
Many grandparents say that they have been given the children but not the authority for those children and that their position as carers of their grandchildren is precarious. They feel they should be able to make decisions about their grandchildren's present and future well-being, health, schooling etc. If they do not have formal custody arrangements they may find they cannot consent to medical treatment, enroll the grandchildren in school or authorize their participation in certain activities. If the grandchildren are under a care and protection order, the child protection authorities have the final say.
Where [child protection authority] is concerned we feel that we can't do much to raise our concerns as we are worried that [child protection authority] can come in any time and take our grandchild away as he is a ward of the state and placed in our care. [What] are our rights when [child protection authority] take the child aside at school without one of us being present and questioning them for no reason except that they can.... It is a worrying thing when dealing with [child protection authority] as carers. You never know what they are going to do. (Grandparent couple 64 & 67, Grandchildren 7 & 8)
6.1.5 Confusing legal systems
Grandparents and their grandchildren can be caught in a confusing legal system in which Commonwealth and State laws and responsibilities determine the extent of ongoing assistance and security they will have. Sometimes it seems chance plays a big part in whether the grandchildren come under the jurisdiction of the State Children's Court or under the Commonwealth Family Court. If under the State Children's Court, the grandparents as the carers receive non-means tested, non-taxable payments and support from the child protection authorities as well as Family Tax Benefits; if under the Family Court, the grandparents may apply for Family Tax Benefits, a means tested payment (except Part B if a sole parent/carer) but they do not receive any other payment or support service.
We are lucky – the person at the Chamber Magistrate's said to go to the Family Court but I waited a week and [child protection authority] did it through the Children's Court and so we get the allowance. My friend went to the Family Court so she gets no help, even through her situation is much the same as ours.
(Grandparent couple 44 & 47, Grandchildren 5 & 7)
General solicitors appear to be not as aware of sexual abuse and child protection issues as the child protection authority's solicitors and do not necessarily represent their clients adequately in some cases. Grandparents believe that there needs to be specialized legal advice, counselling, and explanation and information about legal matters and the terminology used, for example, about custody, options and decisions to be made.
Grandparents are especially concerned about the lack of information about the court advocates who are available to represent the grandchildren in the Family Court. Many grandparents believe that an advocate for grandchildren is essential, especially when the grandparent is not around. They often pay for such representation themselves because the grandchildren are not eligible for Legal Aid, although the parents usually are.
I was told by Family Court counsellors, police, teachers and local members that children of 12 years of age are able to have their wishes aired in Court, and these be given serious consideration. FACT: my grandsons aged 12 and 10 years have run away from their father and his de facto who have had custody for the past 4 years. From the ages of 8 months and 12 months old I, the maternal grandmother, had custody. The children are around drug taking and dealing by both people, abuse (pushed through wall and down stairs on several occasions.) I took this back to court for custody and it was heard last year, when the court AGAIN sent them back to the father. The children have lost all confidence in the court, police, [child protection authority] etc who have done nothing to protect them to date. Eldest even wrote letter to judge to ask they be allowed to live with us. Court counsellor felt they only wanted to live here to please US! What 12 or 13 year old thinks of anyone but themselves and their feelings? When the child rep had to explain the outcome, the eldest screamed, yelled, threw furniture etc around room and the youngest sat in the corner and cried and cried. He admits to us the counsellor got it wrong and he listened to her, but refuses to do anything about the decision, telling me IN A VERY SHORT TIME THE ELDEST WILL BE ABLE TO LEAVE AND HAVE HIS SAY – YES BUT WHEN????? (Grandparent couple 55 & 65, Grandchildren 11 & 13)
6.1.6 Grandchildren's documents
Grandchildren's birth certificates are often difficult and expensive to obtain. This is particularly important in the case of informal arrangements when the grandparents have no proof of relationship or authority to request a certificate. The children's birth may not have been registered or the father's name may not be included on the birth certificate.
Obtaining Medicare and Health Care Cards for grandchildren can be another difficulty mentioned by many grandparents. They are given a range of different advice and in some cases end up paying the full cost of medical care or the grandchildren going without care because they do not have a Medicare Card which shows the grandchildren's names.
We do not have legal custody of our grandchild. The parents signed statutory declarations stating their child was in our care indefinitely. These declarations have been only useful in enrolling our grandchild at school and in activities. One Doctor rang a solicitor for legal advice before giving our granddaughter an injection and even then the child had to give permission for the injection. (Grandparent couple 59 & 61, Grandchild 16)
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6.2 Financial Issues
Grandparents also see the injustice of governments that ask them to take in their grandchildren who, if grandparents were not available, would end up in foster care as the responsibility of the child protection authorities, and at considerable expense to taxpayers. In many cases, when grandparents seek help from those authorities they are told, "We know the children are safe with you. We have closed the file."
In other cases, the grandchildren are covered by care and protection orders and so their carers are entitled to receive financial and other assistance, but grandparents are often reluctant to ask for help because in the past child protection staff have suggested that if they are seeking help they must not be coping and that perhaps the grandchildren should be removed from their care.
Other grandparents say they prefer to manage without extra assistance if the price of that assistance is interference by child protection authorities. They may fear that the authorities would assess them as unsuitable carers and so place the grandchildren in foster care with strangers; or that the authorities may determine that there are no child protection concerns and return the grandchildren to their parents.
These grandparents often have an uneasy informal arrangement with the parents, under which the parents may or may not allow the grandparents to claim the Family Tax Benefit for the grandchildren. There are many grandparents who chose not to receive this allowance because the parents will take the grandchildren back rather than lose that income.
6.2.1 Centrelink payments
The Centrelink system is confusing to grandparents with an array of payments and eligibility requirements, including:
- Family Tax Benefit - Part A and B
- Childcare Benefit
- Double Orphan Pension
- Carers allowance
- Disability Allowance
- Age Pension
- Youth Allowance
Means tests apply to most Centrelink payments, so that any financial support for the grandchildren such as Child Support payments impact on the grandparents' own Centrelink entitlements. If the grandparents are self-funded retirees or still in the workforce, their income is taken into consideration in the means test for Family Tax Benefits for the grandchildren, and therefore couples especially may not be eligible for any payment.
Recently I was fortunate enough to get Child Support payments for a couple of months. As a result my Centrelink payments went down and my Homewest rental went up – double whammy!! Grandparent at workshop
Grandparents say that Centrelink does not inform grandparents of possible benefits available to them. There is no category for grandparents and no recognition of grandparents' status or circumstances so they are made to look for work or put on inappropriate benefits. Centrelink require grandparents to continually prove they have the grandchildren even when that information is already on file.
As some grandparents are unaware of their entitlements they get none of the Centrelink benefits that may be available for the grandchildren.
Financially we are not receiving any support from either parent. We are financially supporting our Grandson on our own. We do not get any Centrelink payments. These are still being paid to the Mother, and she does not spend any of the payments on her son. My husband and myself are looking after all of our Grandson's needs. As my husband has a full time job, and is shift work, most of the day and night care is done by me. (Grandparent couple 47 & 50, Grandchild 4 months)
Grandparents often have not had contact with Centrelink before and complain about the difficulty in getting information about their entitlements.
I resent very much having to discuss my private family business with someone young enough to be my grandchild – believe me, they really do not understand the ramifications of how you, as the parent of delinquent parents, feel. I don't like being addressed by my Christian name, nor do I like the tone of the correspondence from Centrelink – I am not some errant teenager who needs to be threatened with the big stick. (Grandmother 66, Grandchild 16)
Grandparents strongly believe they should not be means tested to qualify for assistance in raising their grandchildren. Those with some assets are penalized; even holiday pay has to be used up before Centrelink provides any assistance.
I do not believe grandparents looking after grandchildren should be treated in the same way as single parents and we should definitely not be assessed financially in the same way single parents are – after all they are, as a rule, much younger and most have the capacity to go out to work and earn a few dollars – we do not. We are grandparents, and most of us even if physically capable are considered by employers to be "past it." (Grandmother 66, Grandchild 16)
It costs $500 a week for [child protection authority] to have a child in care. If someone has a child who is a state ward they get $350 a fortnight.
(Grandparent couple 45 & 49, Grandchild 15)
Some grandchildren may be eligible for child support payments from the parents through the Child Support Agency, however grandparents' experience of the CSA is mixed. It will not release information to Centrelink to find parents liable to pay child support nor is it helpful in enabling grandparent carers to access child support money.
The CSA advised us that there had been money in that fund, but we were not eligible for this money as I had not applied for it. I thought the CSA was set up to provide money for the rearing of the child, not who was doing the rearing. To date I have not completed the forms. (Grandparent couple 57 & 56, Grandchild 8)
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6.2.2 Impact on personal finances
Grandparents find that they are spending their retirement savings and superannuation on raising their grandchildren. Any hope of being self-funded retirees is lost.
We are penalized because we're retired with superannuation. The payment from Centrelink is assessed on what we have earned through our lives. We need that for the rest of our life to live on. ...The government overlooks that being retired we have limited means to pay for a second car, music and swimming classes etc. They say you can catch a bus but that's really hard going in our area. (Grandparent couple 65 & 62, Grandchildren 7 & 8)
Many grandparents find their employment and retirement plans thrown into chaos by the cost of raising the grandchildren. Depending on the age and needs of the grandchildren and difficulties with child care, they may be forced to give up work in order to care for them full time, a serious loss of income for those grandparents.
My wife eventually had to stop working as the role of parenting at our age was too demanding on her while trying to work in paid employment at the same time. This was very hard on my wife as she had returned to university as a mature age student to gain a qualification in a profession that she wanted to spend her remaining working life involved in and then had to give up her job. (Grandparent couple 58 & 55, Grandchildren 7 & 11)
Others find that because of a lack of financial assistance from government and / or the parents, they need to continue working well beyond their planned retirement date.
Parenting our granddaughter (whom we love with every fibre in our bodies) has meant that we have once again become parents in our 40's and has taken the joy out of being grandparents. As I am a working grandmother, I have had to drop and change my shifts (loss of income) to accommodate looking after my granddaughter as I am her primary carer. I take her to after school activities, assist with homework etc. and I find that by the end of the day I am totally exhausted. (Grandparent couple 46 & 49, Grandchild 9)
Older grandparents eligible for seniors' concessions find that they have to give up their entitlement to a free annual trip because they cannot leave the children during school term and they are not allowed to use the concession during school holidays.
Many grandparents struggle with the cost of raising their grandchildren. Apart from the normal day to day costs that families usually have, these grandchildren often involve greater expense than other children because of their psychological, emotional and physical health care needs.
I am, frankly, finding all this a big financial strain and the money I saved for my retirement is slowly but surely being spent on the children. I have also had to contend with some serious ill health. But on the positive side, these children bring me a lot of happiness. BUT it all would be much easier if I had legal custody and access to Family Allowance. I could include them on my pensioner concession cards. (Grandmother 72, Grandchildren 9 & 15)
Grandparents worry about the high cost of education – fees, uniforms and books. They often find that their grandchildren are not eligible for State education allowances or "school cards" because a means test is applied to the grandparents' income and / or assets. The grandchildren would be eligible if living with their parents or if in foster care.
Other financial issues raised by grandparents include:
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The cost of food:
Never enough food to go around. [Grandmother 65 Grandchildren 11, 13, 16 & 17)]
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accommodation / housing:
My major concern is I need a bigger house in the near future, we live in a small 2 bedroom villa which I own. I don't have the resources to move. I feel like an elephant living in a matchbox, which is very depressing. (Grandmother 62, Grandchildren 5 & 12 weeks)
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Transport: depending on the number of grandchildren, an existing car may not be big enough and the grandparents may not have the money to upgrade or to buy a second car.
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Clothes:
Children both wear out clothing in a very short time and grow so fast that an item of clothing rarely lasts longer than six / eight months.... (Grandchild) has grown over 4cm in height in ten months. (Grandparent couple 61 & 65, Grandchild 7)
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Other activities
Grandparents put a great deal of time and money into encouraging their grandchildren to participate in outside activities. They speak about providing the grandchildren with opportunities to have more rounded lives, to overcome any earlier set back. A number of grandparents mentioned with pride the achievements of their grandchildren – for example, a schoolgirl champion swimmer and the winner of a scholarship to a State ballet school.
My grandchildren are very talented/gifted in sport and music and I am frustrated that this cannot be fostered in them because I can't buy sports gear etc. (Grandmother 53, Grandchildren 8, 10, 12 & 13)
6.2.3 Children with special needs
One of our grandchildren has cerebral palsy. The payment (Disability) we are eligible to receive is insufficient, as the expenses for this child have really blown out. Everyday prices are rising, but our income and our payments don't rise much at all, so living gets harder and harder. Although we are better off than many others, we can't afford outings or holidays and have to be careful financially. (Grandparent couple 67 & 61, Grandchildren 5 & 7)
6.2.4 When the children arrive unexpectedly
Grandparents rarely receive any financial assistance for the initial resettlement when grandchildren first arrive. Police or child protection workers may bring them at the weekend or late at night, without basic clothing and personal items. Grandparents have to find the money for urgent requirements, for example, bedding, furniture, clothes etc. They believe they should be treated the same as foster carers who receive an initial establishment grant and regular payments for clothing and major or special expenditure.
The initial cost of providing for a 2 week old baby on an age pension, i.e. cot, stroller, car seat etc. am now having to consider buying a larger car to accommodate all the above, especially now my grandchild is coming up to a year old and the situation is likely to be long term. (Grandmother 61, Grandchild 11 months)
Not enough money left for entertainment after bills have been paid and buying food. (Grandmother 52, Grandchildren 4, 6, 7 & 9 y.o. twins)
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6.2.5 Lack of services for grandchildren
Most grandparents identify the need for specialist therapeutic services, for example, counsellors and psychologists to assist with their grandchildren's behavioural problems. Most of their grandchildren have experienced trauma and abuse, abandonment and / or rejection. They all have to live with the grief and anger of not being with their parents.
Acute anxiety and separation problems mean my granddaughter stresses when she is away from myself. So many people she has loved in her life have left her that she fears I will also. This creates a lot of pressure for me. I am 52 now and not in great health, and worry about the future for us both. (Grandmother 52, Grandchild 13)
Grandparents find that specialist therapy services for their grandchildren are limited or non-existent. Some excellent specialist paediatric services have lost their funding and rural areas are grossly under-serviced. Services approved and paid for by the child protection authorities may be withdrawn because the authority assesses that the grandchildren no longer need them. General services are not necessarily equipped to identify and cope with the needs of these children.
In our experience especially for country people there appears to be no government planning for this type of family situation. (Grandparent couple 50 & 54, Grandchild 2)
I didn't know what I was dealing with. The 11 year old was 3 ½ when she finally saw a counsellor who recognised the effects of satanic ritual abuse. Even now my granddaughter will not shower by herself or go outside after dark. (Grandmother 63, Grandchildren 4 & 11)
6.2.6 Comparisons with others receiving financial benefits
Grandparents feel very strongly that they should be treated equally with foster carers who assume the care of other people's children. They state most firmly that they are saving State and Commonwealth Governments an enormous amount of money and therefore they must be supported. If they did not take in their grandchildren, the children would be the responsibility of government and placed in foster care.
Without us these are the street kids of tomorrow. (Grandparent at a workshop)
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6.3 Parenting
6.3.1 Parenting a new generation
Grandparents speak of being too old to be doing the things young children want to do. They often feel very tired and worry about their capacity to keep going. Many say that the hardest thing is the discipline. They do not know what is acceptable.
I try to understand and keep current on social change, e.g. curfews, dating, social peers. Times have changed since I was a father. I would like access to current parenting theories. (Grandfather 67 Grandchildren 10 & 12)
Some grandparents still have their own younger children living at home.
I also have a 12 year old son, it's affecting him, with me being a mum and a grandmother. He has to share me with my grandchildren. (Grandparent at workshop)
Added to this, their grandchildren's early experiences mean they have particular behavioural and emotional problems which the grandparents are unlikely to have encountered first time around and which perhaps require a different approach to parenting.
6.3.2 Grandchildren's behaviour
These children are often very insecure and exhibit a range of traumatised behaviour problems, such as extreme attention seeking and acting up. They need routine and security, and a great deal of encouragement.
There have been many rewarding experiences bringing up two young children again (they were 8 months and 5 years old when they came to us) however we are finding some aspects to be very worrying, the older boy (now 11) has behaviour at times that is fairly upsetting for the family. This may be due to what he experienced in his early years (domestic violence & drug abuse by both parents). (Grandparent couple 58 & 55, Grandchildren 7 & 11)
Many see the need for family counselling but this is rarely offered or available. They feel that they are given children with "problems" but then given no support. They would appreciate specialist assessment of their grandchildren, advice and ongoing monitoring but this is rarely provided.
6.3.3 Respite
Grandparents desperately need respite care. They rarely get a break from the responsibilities of caring for their grandchildren. They are very protective of their grandchildren and insist that respite must be safe, appropriate to the children's age and with people known to and trusted by both grandparents and grandchildren.
We aren't allowed to place our grandchild with someone for the day. [child protection authority] want to assess them first or they will place them into respite care, but this would be with strangers and this is not acceptable to us. (Grandparent couple 64 & 67, Grandchildren 6 & 8)
6.4 Grandparent's Health and Well being
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6.4.1 Relationships
Grandparents can find that all they had prepared for at this stage in their lives has changed:- change of lifestyle, changed relationships between family members and a loss of freedom. They may experience relationship difficulties with each other and even separation and divorce because of demands of caring for their grandchildren, the loss of their time together and the shattering of their plans for the future.
My husband feels cheated of his retirement plans. He can't get past the anger at the mother. (Grandparent couple 63 & 63, Grandchild 6)
They may find that relationships with their other children (and so contact with their other grandchildren) are fractured because their sibling cannot or will not take responsibility for their own children.
Socially we have suffered, as we see a lot of younger parents who don't relate to us, as also, our own age group does not relate to our situation. Our own adult children are disinterested in helping us, and are under enough stress of their own. They are also angry with their sibling who is the mother of the kids and this has created a family rift. (Grandparent couple 67 & 61, Grandchildren 5 & 7)
Having the grandchildren living with them restricts the grandparents' social life and often they find they can no longer enjoy privacy and social outings with their partners.
It took its toll on my marriage – my husband has left me. It's hard doing it myself, especially when he's been a very caring and loving husband. It became very stressful on him. He did a lot of overtime. It is also affecting my job as I need to be away from home for 2 – 3 nights. They get sick and I take time off work, when we only get 3 days parenting leave per year. (Grandmother 49, Grandchildren 3 & 6)
They often experience isolation from their peer group, perhaps arising from their shame at having a dysfunctional family but largely because their friends are no longer interested in having children present in their social activities. Few grandparents have, or can afford reliable and trusted babysitters to allow them to go out without the grandchildren.
I had retired shortly before the children came to me, and now I have virtually no life of my own. I cannot go out at night or at weekends, and see my friends only rarely. Also I do not have enough money to follow my own interests anyway. (Grandmother 65, Grandchildren 11 & 12)
Grandparents come to rely on grandparent support groups for the friendship, advice and understanding that members can offer each other. Some even say that the support groups save their sanity and keep them going.
The grandparent group has been a godsend as it has helped me no end. (Grandmother 60, Grandchildren 8, 10, & 12)
6.4.2 Health
Grandparents say that their health is badly affected by the burden of raising their grandchildren without support and recognition. They must cope with their own stress and grief, at the same time helping their grandchildren through theirs. They often do not have the time to properly grieve for their loss – of their child (the parent), of their freedom and plans and of their life as normal grandparents. They often have the constant worry about money, the cost of raising children faced by all families as well as the additional costs of these children's particular needs and the threat, and reality, of expensive legal action.
The years have taken their toll on us. Our health is going. Prescriptions eat into our wages. Still we struggle on.... We're proud people. We love our grandchildren. We'd like to be younger but we can't be. I've heard of great grandparents still bringing up the great grandchildren. I don't think we'll be alive to do that. The stress and worry of the money would be too much, especially when you see their parents sitting back copping it sweet on the dole with all the government support. (Grandparent couple 55 & 57, Grandchildren 12, 14 & 15)
Grandparents are extremely concerned about their grandchildren in the event of their own ill health and death even if their spouse or partner is still alive. Some need home based care services for themselves. Many talk about doing their best to keep well while facing the normal effects of ageing and the future.
If the carer goes sick, goes into hospital, who'll look after the grandchildren? (Grandparent at workshop)
Some grandparents also have elderly parents to care for.
I try not to think too far ahead as this is depressing. Apart from her there are the other grandchildren to love and elderly parents in poor health to be concerned with. I have little social life of my own, and demands on my time make life awkward. (Grandmother 54, Grandchild 6)
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6.5 Grandchildren's Health and Welfare
6.5.1 Relationships
The grandchildren may have behavioural problems arising from their often horrific earlier experiences and rejection or abandonment by their parents. Their behaviour may result in ostracism by other children, and rejection by other family members and society in general.
We are coping with an angry, abusive child who can't understand why her mother can't fit her into her life although she says she loves her. I am losing quality time with my other grandchildren because my time is nearly wholly taken up by this one child. (Grandparent couple 50 & 55, Grandchild 11)
The grandchildren may experience rejection and bullying at school, or behave as bullies themselves. They may hurt themselves and others close to them.
I had to move house, hopefully we are stable now although the older grandchild had to change schools because of the verbal taunts of other children once they learnt about her background. (Grandmother 63, Grandchildren 4 & 11)
I don't feel the police understand the things these kids have been through, to make them behave as they do. The police need to have mental health workers attached to them. (Grandparent at workshop)
The grandchildren often have ambivalent feelings about their parents and the rejection and loss they have experienced.
The child's mother didn't even ring her on Christmas day, no present or card, no contact. We didn't hear from her until March. (Grandparent couple 63 & 63, Grandchild 6)
Actually the child is much better off with me, top of the class at school, attends cubs, church etc, swims. (Grandmother 72, Grandchildren 9 & 15)
Grandparents are concerned about the separation of the grandchildren from their siblings. They may feel under pressure to take in all the grandchildren, believing the longer the children stay together and settled with them, the less chance there is of them being split up or resettled with strangers. Some grandparents are raising a number of grandchildren, in one case six ranging in age from 2 to 13 years of age.
We think it is not such a financial issue as an emotional issue for the children. We think the children need contact with all their siblings so that when they grow up they have other family connections besides us. (Grandparent at workshop)
Grandparents worry about the effects on the grandchildren of being raised by a grandparent. Those raising their grandchildren on their own are also concerned about the lack of role models of the opposite sex.
6.5.2 Impact of parents' lifestyle
Many grandparents spoke about the stability and security they provide for these children who have often experienced the extreme chaos of the drug addict's lifestyle.
No matter what goes wrong, he always comes home. I think he sees I'm a secure base, he gets upset if I get sick –"Don't die, Gran." I think he's rather frightened. Society doesn't see that. They just see he's naughty. It's more hard work emotionally. (Grandmother 56, Grandchildren 12 & 13)
The grandchildren may have been in unsafe situations; for example, the parents may have multiple and / or abusive partners or may have left young children alone for extended periods and, even in a few cases, the children may have been present while the parents committed crimes. There may be violence at home, with very young children sometimes the victims.
Six years ago our son was sent to prison on drug related charges leaving our 2 grandchildren, a girl aged 23 months and a boy aged 12 months. The mother kept on in the drug scene moving around everywhere with the children while still using drugs. Finally she left the children in a motel room while she went out and the children were picked up by police wandering the street and we took custody of them. (Grandparent couple 65 & 62, Grandchildren 7 & 8)
Many grandparents coping with the impact of drug abuse by the parents on their grandchildren call for research into the long term effects.
Always in my mind – after 10 years of grief, worry and despair over the children's mother's drug addiction and mental health, as well as worry about the babies she has had – one died in suspicious circumstances – I constantly worry – are her children going to go down the same road and who is going to care for their children? Governments must address drug issues and crime issues more efficiently for the future of humanity. Why did my daughter – beautiful, talented and intelligent decide to do drugs, and allow herself to be degraded??? She was a loved child. (Grandparent couple 67 & 61, Grandchildren 5 & 7)
Parents drop in and out of children's lives causing major disruptions in entire relationships. They can be erratic in their contact and access visits with the grandchildren; they may use the legal system to punish the grandparents, causing more anxiety and stress for everyone.
No matter what happens, she is still their mother, even if she hasn't seen them more than 3 times in 16 years. (Grandparent couple 65 & 70 Grandchildren 16 & 18)
6.5.3 Parents with a mental illness
Such situations are fraught with additional problems for grandparents and grandchildren. Mentally ill parents often let debts pile up (especially when unwell) so, when the grandchildren go back into the grandparents' care, the grandparents have to settle these debts as well as cope with usual costs of caring for the grandchildren. The grandchildren get caught up in the troughs and highs of the parent's emotional instability and experience constant fluctuations of being smothered with love one minute and told how much they are hated in the next. This has a great emotional impact on the grandchildren that the grandparents then have to try and overcome.
Keeping family contact between child and mother is very stressful, as mother brings her problems with her. The child has to cope with mother's behaviour, especially when mental illness is involved. (Grandmother 61, Grandchildren 9 & 11)
The grandchildren often feel responsible for their parent's well-being. They take on too much responsibility and are old before their time, having had no time to enjoy their childhood. They appear self-contained on the surface - I know all about that, Nan – don't worry - but grandparents worry about how this will impact on them in later years and how to teach the grandchildren that much of their parent's erratic behaviour is due to their mental illness.
6.5.4 Health and special needs
These grandchildren often have severe health problems, which require the grandparents' love, time and money, and may never be overcome.
One was addicted to heroin and one has been sexually assaulted and is now a Hep B carrier which is a notifiable disease. One was two and a half and one was 8 weeks old. (Grandparent couple 49 & 52, Grandchildren 3 & 5)
Raising grandchildren with special needs causes major problems in grandparents' lives. The grandchildren often require special equipment which can be expensive. They face discrimination and difficulty in being accepted by other children.
School is horrendous. He gets bullied and was recently knifed. He says that it is very hard to be a punching bag at school. We just want him to participate in as normal a life as possible. I had to sit beside him at school every day for a month. (Grandparent at workshop)
Socially, the grandparents cannot go out together as a family because the children are often difficult to transport if taken and to baby-sit if left at home. Grandparents find that they have no time to be together on their own. At one workshop, a grandmother spoke of the challenges of looking after a grandchild with severe brain damage. He exhibits extreme behaviour but is not eligible for special education because acquired brain injury is not recognized as warranting this. As a result of the additional stress, the grandparents have now separated.
Grandparents argue that children with serious emotional and psychological problems resulting from their traumatic experiences should be recognized as having disabilities and therefore be eligible for the services available to other children with disabilities. They should have access to psychological evaluation to assess for mental illness.
I get very tired, lose patience, sit there and cry. I am constantly worrying what's happening for him and constantly wonder if we are doing things right. (Grandparent at workshop)
6.5.5 Education
Grandparents report that their grandchildren often have problems at school because of learning difficulties and poor school grades. Their earlier school attendance may have been erratic as parents moved around a lot or were incapable of ensuring the children got to school. The stress and anxiety of their lives may have left them unable to concentrate in class. The stability and security provided by their grandparents often allows the children to develop and excel.
The younger boy (now 7) has a low level of ADD, his behaviour is quite good most of the time however he has had some problems with his progress at school and is repeating Prep. Level. They are both very special to us and we love them dearly and will do our best to help them to develop into good citizens. (Grandparent couple 57 & 55, Grandchildren 7 & 11)
Grandparents recognise that education and the school systems have changed and they worry about not being able to help with homework etc. Many of these grandchildren need more time and supervision with their schoolwork so grandparents will often pay for additional tutoring or may be fortunate enough to negotiate this through local community agencies.
Some grandparents get involved in their grandchildren's school, for example, in the school P&C, other grandparents feel out of place and even unwelcome at school activities amongst parents so much younger than themselves.
They also believe that schools and teachers need special training to deal with these children who have been damaged and abused.
Dealing with the school system – getting them to understand that Nans and Pops do exist in some families. (Grandparent couple 47 & 49, Grandchildren 7 & 8)
I spend a lot of time at their school because they enjoy me being there and at their sporting activities. (Grandmother 60, Grandchildren 8 & 9)
Quite a few grandparents have decided that a private school may be the best choice for their grandchildren, especially smaller private schools, which can provided more individualized attention and are not so overwhelming for the children. They question who should pay in these circumstances, because they see it not as a choice but as a necessity for their grandchildren.
In addition,
Some grandparents have to move States to access higher quality education for children affected by drug/alcohol abuse leading to intellectual impairment. Some grandparents move State to gain some autonomy over their lives, especially when domestic / apprehended violence orders are contravened. (Grandparent at workshop)
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6.6 Child care
Grandparents report varied experiences in seeking suitable child care for pre-school aged grandchildren – its availability and cost, and access to Child Care Benefits through Centrelink. They are reluctant to leave traumatized grandchildren with strangers and want to establish a rapport with the child care provider before using the service.
Many grandparents rely on childcare, such as Family Day Care and childcare centres to provide some respite from their young grandchildren. Others find either that childcare is not available in their area or they cannot / will not use childcare because their grandchildren will not stay with strangers. Where childcare is used, some grandparents find the 20 hours a week subsidized access a godsend, others feel that 20 hours is not enough support in their particular circumstances and that it is too costly. Some grandparents report that, because of their own stressed state of health, they have been recommended for additional hours of childcare. Some grandparents are not aware that childcare is available to them and their grandchildren.
I have spoken to six different people at Centrelink who all tell a different story about getting financial help with childcare. The bottom line is that we can get 40 cents per hour [subsidy towards the cost] because we don't work. (Grandparent couple 64 & 68, Grandchild 3)
Grandparents with older grandchildren rely on Out of School Hours care, after school and during holidays and at times of sickness, but report that it is often difficult to obtain as there are not enough places and preferences is given to working parents.
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6.7 Indigenous Grandparents
In addition to coping with the same issues as all grandparents who participated in this project, indigenous grandparents face the powerful cultural stereotype that continues to condemn Aborigines as thoughtless and feckless, living a second-class existence. Indigenous women are often seen as having nothing much to offer in a rapidly changing world. But the indigenous women who participated in this project were assertive, powerful, feisty, and strong in their nurturing of their families. They have a clear vision of how they want their grandchildren to live, survive and thrive in today's world, and into the future.
The following comments were recorded at an indigenous grandparents' talking circle in Queensland. Other indigenous grandparents attended other workshops and gave written responses which support these comments.
The people in power need to realise we have our own culture. We will take all our family in regardless of our house size.
Many indigenous grandparents have one or both parents and the grandchildren living with them. Sometimes these grandparents have full-time responsibility for the children for intermittent periods of time (eg father in jail and mother goes into a mental hospital for a few months). This can be very financially stressful, a big problem.
Their views are very much the same as other grandparents raising their grandchildren.
We want it to be easier for us to obtain custody if they (the parents) can't look after our grandchildren or abuse them. We are trying to create change, to break the cycle of drugs and abuse and stuff.
We would be interested to meet with non-indigenous grandparents. "They are battlers, too!"
And having worked through these issues for themselves, they are now very clear that they are in a strong position to help their grandchildren to break the cycle of violence and abuse. And they want to ensure that they are given the right to do this.
As indigenous women we have seen and now understand violence so we are better able to cope when our grandchildren are ill-treated or abused. However, we still need support to protect them from drugs, etc. We want to get them away from all of that.
We have a vision. We all share a common goal. It's really pretty simple. We want to break the cycle of violence, drugs, etc, and have our grandchildren live happily and healthily.