Keys to Living Together - Instant families  

Who does what?

Working out who does what in your new your family can be a tricky business. Everyone has their own way of doing things but it is important for the new family to develop its own unique way of managing the household duties. Agreeing on how you will share the workload early can save problems down the track.

How? Talk about it. The trick is to work out what you like, don't like, will do, won't do, and be prepared to listen to everyone's point of view, and come to some kind of middle ground. Need a little help to get the ball rolling? Try this quick activity. Here is a list of some common household tasks. Pick five that you would prefer to do (don't tell each other). If your children are old enough you may like to involve them in this activity.

• Vacuuming
• Washing dishes
• Car maintenance
• Mowing lawn
• Take rubbish out
• Clean toilet
• Cook dinner
• Do laundry
• Pay the bills
• Organise a dinner party or BBQ

Now compare what you each chose. Which tasks haven't been selected? If you've got the same task, decide who's going to give or take. Don't forget about the tasks that haven't been selected. Sharing is allowed! Now that you have an idea of what you all like, and perhaps more importantly don't linke to do, it might be helpful to create a weekly housework plan. If you discovered you all dislike the same things, try alternating the plan each week. The first line gives an example of how the plan works.

Whether you decide to implement a plan, or choose to manage the workload without one, it pays to remember that if one person feels they are doing too much, they probably won't be very happy… and this can create tension in your family. Don't forget to share — it's more fun that way.

Sorting out who does what

TASK	MONDAY	TUESDAY	WEDNESDAY	THURSDAY	FRIDAY	SATURDAY	SUNDAY
washing up	Jane	John	Jane	John	John	John	John

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Dealing with conflict

Disagreements are a normal part of any healthy relationship and don't have to be detrimental to it. In fact, if one of you continually gives in, just to keep the peace, it can be much worse. The key is to respect each other, and not to let your emotions take over.

Chances are when you disagree you will feel very passionately, your emotions are heightened and you may get angry, frustrated or hurt. This is fine, so long as you are able to express your feelings without being destructive. This is not always easy.

When we are really angry or upset, physical and emotional tension builds up and can cloud our judgement. This can make it impossible to get your point across in a rational manner. Listen to your body and recognise your warning signs. If you are starting to raise your voice, your palms are getting sweaty or your pulse is racing it may be a good idea to take a break and agree to have the discussion later. Before you attempt to tackle the topic again together, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What am I feeling? Are you feeling angry, hurt, embarrassed, jealous, disappointed or betrayed?
2. Why am I feeling this? Identify exactly what has made you feel this way. Is there anything from the past that could be adding to the way you feel?
3. What do I want to change? Know what it is that you want to work on. What needs to be resolved from the past or present? What action will you take?
4. Who am I really angry at? Is the problem really your partner's doing? Are you partly responsible? It is to do with someone, or something else?
5. Is my reaction warranted? Is your reaction suitable for the issue at hand? Consider the possibility that you could be overreacting or under reacting.

This can also be a worthwhile activity if you are thinking of raising something that could cause conflict. It is a good idea to work out a set of rules that you both agree on for when you disagree. Here are a few ideas:

• Pick the right time — Pick a time when you can both give your full concentration. Avoid times when either of you are tired or stressed. Make sure there are no distractions; turn off the TV and take the phone off the hook.
• Attack the problem — Keep your discussion focused on the problem, try not to attack each other personally.
• Stay focused — Stick to the present, and stay focused on the problem at hand. Don't rehash past mistakes that can't be changed and don't try to tackle every other problem. Address other problems at another time.
• Reach a conclusion — Decide on what action to take. You will probably need to compromise, remember you can't win all of the times.

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Develop your own set of rules

Rules for dealing with conflict
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Agreed:		Agreeds:

The art of compromise

It is crucial for your future as a new family to work out exactly what your needs and wants are, and how you will operate as a family.

It is more common than you might think for someone to love their new partner but not see eye to eye on how they should live. What must be remembered is that, with few exceptions, no one individual's way of living is wrong, it is merely different to how you have chosen to live.

According to the Stepfamily Assoc Victoria, it is a mistake to think that your way of living is necessarily right and will work for the new family; it won't automatically. "The biggest challenges for new families in their early stages are how to respect the past and what values to maintain when creating a shared life," says the Association's Margaret Howden.

Good communication is the basis of every relationship but especially so for those involved in re-partnering and new families, given the complexity of the situation.

Margaret's advice is to talk, keep talking, and learning. But, she warns, compromise is a fact of life. The key to harmony is deciding what is and isn't negotiable and then explaining why that is so.

It is also important that each member of the family feels that his or her opinion and needs are being acknowledged as the structure and the day-to-day working life of the family is being nutted out. This applies to children as well as adults. Margaret's suggestion is for on-going family meetings where all members get to have a say.

"Family meetings are a great way to establish a sense of belonging and way of learning more about each other," says Margaret.

It pays to be aware that the moulding of a new family takes time, especially where children are involved.

For children, a new family can involve strong and confusing feelings. There is often a deep ambivalence and a fresh wave of grief that their family is truly in the past. But with love, support and a lot of talking new families can look forward to a bright future.

Family meeting plan

The ___________________________ family meeting will be held every ___________________________

from ___________________________to ___________________________in the _________________________ .

Remember to pick a time that everyone can attend and a place that is free of any distractions; turn off the TV, mobile phones and take the phone off the hook. Try to keep the meeting a reasonable length no longer than 30 minutes, shorter if possible.

Date ___________________________

Chairperson _____________________

Remember that every member of the family that is school age or older should get a turn at being the chairperson.

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Agenda

This list will be placed on the fridge and members of the family should add agenda items throughout the week. Agenda items can include good things that have happened during the week, things the family want to achieve or things that are bothering them.

Agenda item	Action	Result

For tips on how to use the plan see the following page.

Using The Family Meeting Plan

• Step One: The issue will be clearly defined by our family.
• Step Two: Our family will brainstorm ideas to solve the problem.
• Step Three: Our family will attempt to decide unanimously on the best solution. If a decision cannot be made, we will take a vote.
• Step Four: We will record the agreed action on our family meeting plan.
• Step Five: We will review next week and record the result on the Family meeting plan.

Family Meeting Rules

Additional rules can be developed by your family in your first meeting.

• Rule One: Every family member will be treated with respect.
• Rule Two: Every family member will be allowed to speak uninterrupted.
• Rule Three:
• Rule Four:

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