Welcome
Our relationships with the people around us have a significant influence on our wellbeing and how we live. For most of us, at any given time there is one special relationship — with a partner or spouse — that affects our lives more than any other. Despite its importance we often don't think about how this central relationship is working or if it can be improved. We hope this magazine will provide you with useful tips, advice and ideas to enhance your relationships.
Creating a new relationship and with it a new family is an exciting and important time, that can often also be very complicated. Inside you will find information to help you develop a set of tools to help make the transition a little smoother. There are articles and activities on everything from setting expectations and family priorities, to dealing with conflict and setting house rules.
Instant families
You know the scenario: one day it's one adult and one child, the next day you're repartnered and there are twice as many people in the home, four times as much responsibility and no time at all for each other. What to do?
“It's essential that you put time away for each other,” say Margaret Howden, the founder of the Stepfamily Association of Victoria.
“It is not selfish to have time to yourself,” she says. “If you nurture your own relationship and keep it strong, you are doing the best thing for your children. You will be consolidating th structure of your family.” Which is all very well and good, but as you know finding a spare moment to spend time together is as rare as a cooperative teenager.
The key is to prioritise your time together and build it into your week. Fortunately (or not), stepparents get plenty of practice at planning schedules given the competing demands and activities of a blended family, so this shouldn't be too much of a stretch.
All will pay dividends in terms of the intimacy and closeness of your relationship, which as the experts point out, is the foundation stone of your new family. Don't be concerned that planning will take the spontaneity out of the fun. Rather, it will ensure that it happens.
Make sure the children know that you need time to yourselves and that bar in an emergency, they cannot intrude on that time. “Children respond to boundaries, stepfamilies are no different in that,” says Margaret.
Fill in the table on the next page with all of your regular commitments. Make sure that you include the time you will spend together. Once complete put it somewhere everyone can see it like on the fridge door. This way the whole family will be clear about when you should be left in peace.
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TIPS
- Make a list of the regular things you have to do during the week that can't be changed, for example sporting commitments or committee meetings.
- Now look at where you can find some time for each other. You don't need hours a day, research indicates that even 20 minutes a day will make a difference and give a couple time to connect.
- Make an agreement to organise a date at least once a month. You don't have to go out, just do something special. Also, try to organise a night alone occasionally.
- Use the plan on the next page to map your agreements.
Plan for finding the time
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| Every _____________________________________ of month is to be kept free for our date. |
Setting expectations
The formation of a new family is an exciting time, but it can also be a time of tension, especially when children are involved. Being clear about what is expected in the new environment can help to ease the tension.
Couples that know what is important to each other and their family, and have talked about how their lives will work together, are well on their way to creating a healthy and happy environment for their family. Not sure where to start? The key is asking lots of questions, of yourself and of each other. Below are a few questions to get you started. Get a piece of paper and number it 1–17. Now write down your answers (don't show each other).
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- Who will handle the finances?
- Will you share all of the money or keep your assets separate?
- How will you share the income?
- What are your financial goals as individuals? And as a family?
- Do you want to have more children together?
- If so when would you like to have children?
- How many children would you like to have?
- Does one or both of you have children from previous relationships? If so who will discipline the children?
- How do you expect the children will react to their new family? How will you manage that reaction?
- How will you ensure that the children feel involved in their new family?
- What kind of relationship does each of you have with your ex-partners? What impact, if any, will this have on your relationship?
- What cultural and religious expectations do you have for your partner and your family?
- Will you get married?
- Where will you live? Your place, their place or somewhere else?
- What role will your partner's and your children's extended families play in your new family?
- What do you expect from your partner in terms of loyalty, respect and being faithful?
- Are there any other issues that you would like to discuss? List these.
Now compare answers. Any surprises? Talk about it. Still not sure you have covered everything? There are a number of quizzes and activities throughout this magazine that will help you think about many of these areas in more detail.
If you have questions or concerns about your relationship that you are not comfortable talking about with your partner, it is important not to ignore them. Talk them through with someone you trust and if something more serious is on your mind like control, violence or trust issues, get help from a professional counsellor. It is important that your relationship is healthy for both of you right from the start.
Family priorities
You may also find it useful to get together and develop a list of priorities for your short, medium and long-term goals. Be realistic about what you can achieve and also consider what you will be willing to sacrifice in order to achieve it.
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Medium term 5 years |
Long term 10 years |
Goal:
Buy a bigger car |
Goal:
Move to a bigger house |
Goal:
Financial security |
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In order to help you achieve these goals you may find it useful to develop a budget. For help doing this try the budget planner under 'Talking about the Difficult Stuff'.