External Influences
The company of strangers
It can be a weird feeling finding yourself engulfed in a large family brought together by two people. Families are supposed to know each other right? They are supposed to know where people fit into the scheme of things, but like so much else with stepfamilies it doesn’t always work out that way.
It takes getting used to, which is why research figures suggest that it can take from 18 months to five years for a stepfamily to “shake down” into a new unit… and sometimes even longer to learn the names of all the people who are now regarded as family! Stepfamilies give new meaning to the phrase extended family. But being part of an extended family does not need to overextend your patience or goodwill, although it may exhaust your supply of chairs at parties. More can be merrier and can lead to a richer life but again it all comes down to attitude, communication and a bit of luck.
Biological parents need to give careful consideration to the role that extended family members, in particular those that have been close to the children, will play in the new order. It is worth remembering that a much loved grandmother can provide an oasis of stability when everything else is changing for a child. And that a committed grandfather can be a wonderful role model for a boy that does not have daily contact with his own family.
It is also important to note that children will make their own decisions as to whom they like and dislike. Members of the family should respect and acknowledge this.
Things you can do
- Allow your family time to get to know each other.
- Organise events to help the new extended family get to know each other.
- Look upon the new member of your extended family as a resource.
- Allow your children to continue their relationships with extended family from previous relationships.
- Respect and acknowledge that your children can and will make their own decisions as to whom they like and dislike.
Parenthood
Decision time
A new family coming together faces many adjustments, not least in terms of parenting. Parenting children who aren’t your own is fraught with problems. It is a treadwarily scenario. The consensus among relationship educators is that the “new” parent who seeks to mark out new territory different to the biological parent is more likely to have a successful relationship with the children. Further complicating matters is that you, the new partners, will invariably have different views on parenting, discipline and children’s roles and responsibilities within a family.
The first thing to be done for new partners is to talk about those differences. You need to give time and thought to what your values and expectations are about raising children. But do this away from the children and then present a united front. “The family will be more harmonious if adults agree on what is acceptable and what is not,” says Relationship Educator Margaret Howden. “All children are more secure with boundaries. It is, therefore, important to set limits and be clear about what is to be done if boundaries are overstepped,” says Margaret, who wrote the book Making Molehills out of Mountains - a practical guide for stepfamilies. “Clear boundaries reduce the likelihood of children manipulating households.” Experience shows that it is usually better for the biological parent to take the lead with discipline. This isfine and manageable until that moment when all hell breaks loose and only the stepparent is around. This is inevitable so you need to be prepared and have communicated clearly to the children that the stepparent has authority in these situations, advises Margaret. As always, communication is the key to parenting in stepfamilies — communication between the partners and then to the children.
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Developing house rules
A good set of house rules can help the household run more smoothly. Try this activity alone as a couple first. Once you have come to an agreement on what will be acceptable and what won’t be tolerated you can redo the activity as a family. By asking the children they will feel involved, and will have of ownership over the rules, making it more likely that they will stick to them.
Make a copy of this plan for each person taking part in the activity.
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Consequence |
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Step 1 Fill out this plan on your own
Step 2 Compare the lists
Step 3 Make a new list, include anything that is the same on all both lists.
Step 4 Discuss anything that is left of each of the original lists. Decide on what will be added to the common list and what will be left off.
TIP
- If you decide to do this activity as a family, make sure that your and your family are clear on where you stand and back each other up.