Dealing with the unexpected - a different style
Dealing with a crisis can be stressful on any relationship, regardless of how close you are or how long you have been together. However, when you decide to share your life with someone you are also making a decision to share not only the good times but also the harder ones.
Events such as an illness in the family, death of a close friend, or unexpected unemployment can present complex challenges to couples. These challenges may seem insurmountable, but in actual fact can strengthen your relationship.
The important thing to remember is that you will both have your own way of dealing with the situation. You shouldn't expect your partner to react in the same way. In fact according to Andrew King from the Sydneybased Uniting Care Burnside, men and women tend to handle problems differently. 'Guys are less practiced at talking about their feelings', says Andrew. 'But it doesn't mean they love or trust their partner less because they won't talk about their problems.'
This will mean that you will need to understand each other. It is important for both of you to recognise how you are feeling. No matter how you deal with things, ignoring your feelings will not make them go away.
Men tend to take a more solutions based approach to problems, so it may be useful to work out together what can be done or how you can help. While women like to talk things through, if this is difficult for you, being willing to listen is a great start.
Remember to be gentle with each other, sometimes just knowing you have someone around to give you support, can make all the difference. However if you don't feel like you or your partner is coping, get support. Friends, relatives, counsellors, and doctors can all be a big help in these times.
TIPS
- Understand that men and women handle problems differently.
- Recognise your feelings, ignoring them won't make them go away.
- If you want to find a solution, work out what can be done in a practical sense.
- If talking about the issue is hard for you, offer to listen.
- Get help from friends, relatives, counsellors or doctors if needed.
Help is on the way
It can seem at times that stepfamilies lurch from crisis to crisis with little relief.
Those with adolescent children know this situation well. They get over one situation when another more challenging one arises. But don't despair. The fact is conflict is an inevitable part of life and cannot be totally avoided. In some instances, problems may not be resolved despite best efforts.
Stepparents can be overly sensitive about conflict, fearing it will lead them down a familiar and painful path. Conflict need not be destructive, says Margaret Howden of the Stepfamily Association of Victoria. It can be positive if it leads to communication and better understanding in the relationship.
Take, for instance, a 14-year-old who wants his parents back together. Nothing will convince him otherwise, not even the fact that both his parents are happily re-partnered. The best his parents can do is acknowledge his feelings and make sure he knows how much they love him, while continuing to nurture their new relationships. But those families who feel they are struggling too hard with little results should remember that there is specialised help available in the community for stepfamilies that are having difficulties. It is important to acknowledge that seeking guidance through rough patches is not an admission that your new family is not working. Getting help when you need it is smart thinking. The adage that a problem shared is a problem halved really does apply.
There are a range of support services available for stepfamilies. The Stepfamily Association has a wide range of services including phone counselling. Schools are another good place to look for guidance as they often have counsellors available. The Internet is another source of information but it is important to ensure that the information you are accessing is from a reputable source (for example, a government agency or relationship educator).
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Other books in this series
Keys to Living Together — Then we were three
Going from a couple to a family with a child is one of the most exciting and important times in your relationship. It is impossible to ignore the fact that your lives are about to be transformed forever. Keys to Living Together — Then we were three includes information to help you develop a set of tools to deal with the changes in your relationship.
Keys to Living Together — Taking the first step
Taking the first step and making a significant commitment to someone you love is one of the most exciting and important times in your relationship. Keys to Living Together — Taking the first step includes the information you need to develop your own set of relationship tools.
Other resources in the series
Can't find a Keys to Living Together kit that is right for you? We are currently developing kits for more family types and families with other needs. To find out about these other kits you can check out our
Keys website.
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Contacts
For additional copies or more information please contact: Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs
PO Box 7788 Canberra Mail Centre ACT 2610
Telephone 1800 050 009
(*free unless calling from a mobile or pay phone)
TTY: 1800 260 402
(a telephone typewriter for people with a hearing or speech impairment)
Keys website