Keys to Living Together: Taking the first step 

Who does what?

Working out who does what in your relationship can be a tricky business. Many couples think this will sort itself out, but this is rarely the case. There are many varying opinions on what is clean and what is tidy. If one of you sorts your CDs in alphabetical order and the other’s idea of order is a pile under the bed, problems are inevitable. Even if you both have the best of intentions, agreeing on how you will share the workload early can save problems down the track.

How? Talk about it. The trick is to work out what you like, don’t like, will do, won’t do, and be prepared to listen to each other’s point of view, and come to some kind of middle ground. Need a little help to get the ball rolling? Try this quick activity.

Here is a list of some common household tasks. Pick five that you would prefer to do (don’t tell each other).

• Vacuuming
• Washing dishes
• Car maintenance
• Mowing lawn
• Take rubbish out
• Clean toilet
• Cook dinner
• Do laundry
• Pay the bills
• Organise a dinner party or BBQ

Now compare what you each chose. Which tasks haven’t been selected?

If you’ve both got the same task, decide who’s going to give or take. Don’t forget about the tasks that haven’t been selected. Sharing is allowed!

Now that you have an idea of what you both like, and perhaps more importantly don’t like to do, it might be helpful to create a weekly housework plan. If you discovered you both dislike the same things, try alternating the plan each week. The first line gives an example of how the plan works.

Sorting out who does what

TASK	MONDAY	TUESDAY	WEDNESDAY	THURSDAY	FRIDAY	SATURDAY	SUNDAY
washing up	Jane	John	Jane	John	John	John	John

Whether you decide to implement a plan, or choose to manage the workload without one, it pays to remember that if one person feels they are doing too much, they probably won’t be very happy… and this can create tension in your relationship. Don’t forget to share — it’s more fun that way.

Dealing with conflict

Disagreements are a normal part of any healthy relationship and don’t have to be detrimental to it. In fact, if one of you continually gives in, just to keep the peace, it can be much worse. The key is to respect each other, and not to let your emotions take over.

Chances are when you disagree you will feel very passionately, your emotions are heightened and you may get angry, frustrated or hurt. This is fine, so long as you are able to express your feelings without being destructive. This is not always easy.

When we are really angry or upset, physical and emotional tension builds up and can cloud our judgement. This can make it impossible to get your point across in a rational manner. Listen to your body and recognise your warning signs. If you are starting to raise your voice, your palms are getting sweaty or your pulse is racing it may be a good idea to take a break and agree to have the discussion later. Before you attempt to tackle the topic again together, ask yourself the following questions.

1 What am I feeling?

When we are really angry or upset, physical and emotional tension builds up and can cloud our judgement. This can make it impossible to get your point across in a rational manner. Listen to your body and recognise your warning signs. If you are starting to raise your voice, your palms are getting sweaty or your pulse is racing it may be a good idea to take a break and agree to have the discussion later.

Before you attempt to tackle the topic again together, ask yourself the following questions.

Are you feeling angry, hurt, embarrassed, jealous, disappointed or betrayed?

2 Why am I feeling this?

Identify exactly what has made you feel this way. Is there anything from the past that could be adding to the way you feel?

3 What do I want to change?

Know what it is that you want to work on. What needs to be resolved from the past or present? What action will you take?

4 Who am I really angry at?

Is the problem really of your partner’s doing? Are you partly responsible? Is it because of someone, or something else? Often there really is no one to blame, if this is the case try to recognise it early on.

5 Is my reaction warranted?

Is your reaction suitable to the issue at hand? Consider the possibility that you could be overreacting or under reacting.

This can also be a worthwhile activity if you are thinking of raising something with your partner that could cause conflict.

It is also a good idea to work out a set of rules that you both agree to use when you disagree. Here are a few ideas:

• Pick the right time — Pick a time when you can both give your full concentration. Avoid times when either of you are tired or stressed. Make sure there are no distractions; turn off the TV and take the phone off the hook.
• Attack the problem — Keep your discussion focused on the issue, try not to attack each other personally.
• Stay focused — Stick to the present, and stay focused on the issue at hand. Don’t rehash past mistakes that can’t be changed and don’t try to tackle every other problem. Address other problems at another time.
• Reach a conclusion — Decide on what action to take. You will probably need to compromise, remember you can’t win all of the time.

Remember you should always feel safe, even during a heated argument. If you feel threatened or intimidated or if you are experiencing violence, get help. No matter how well they treat you at other times or how apologetic they are later, it is important the issue is addressed. Talk to a family member, a friend, or someone in your community like your doctor or trained counsellor, or seek confidential advice through 1800 RESPECT: National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line. 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)

Develop your own set of rules

Rules for dealing with conflict
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Agreed:		Agreed:

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