Keys to Living Together: Taking the first step 

Making space

You know how you feel about this relationship. It’s different, like nothing else you have had before, you’re serious and committed to it. But sometimes those who love you have difficulty accepting the new state of play in your life.

It might not have anything to do with what your family and friends feel about your partner. They could be delighted and think he or she is perfect for you, but still problems can occur.

According to Fiona McDonald, Manager of Education Service at Relationships Australia, Western Australia, the way forward is clear.

'The couple relationship has to be regarded as the primary relationship. Your new family, even if at the moment it is still just the two of you, has to be the priority,' explains Fiona. “And you have to make that clear to a those around you, especially family if they are having difficulty accepting this new phase of your life.” Fiona describes this process of creating and then broadcasting that you are a separate distinctive unit as one of the more important tasks for newlyweds and committed couples. Still, families of origin do have a role to play as you establish your own credentials as a separate unit but it is a subtle and supportive one.

It pays for each of you to look at your own family and see which rituals and patterns you want to carry over into this new unit. But be careful, says Fiona, you can't both have exactly what you had before.

'No one can have their own way all the time. It's not good for a relationship. You have to consider your partner's feelings and wishes in your decision making.'

Differences need not be divisive. They can be valuable if you see them as a learning opportunity. The more you know the stranger the unit is. And that has to be a good thing.

TIPS

• Be clear with your family and friends; your new family is your priority.
• Look at both of your families and see what traditions you want to continue together.
• Listen to each other and

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Parenthood

Kids or no kids...

Deciding to have kids, or not to have kids might seem simple, but if all the issues are not talked through it can quickly become complicated. It can be easy to assume that just because you want something your partner will feel the same way. Whether you want to have children tomorrow or it seems a long way off, it is better to find out if you’re on the same page early on.

Not sure where to start? Each take a piece of paper and number it 1–9. Write down your answers to the questions at right (don’t show each other).

Now get together and compare your answers. Are there any areas that don’t match up? Talk about it. Make sure you are clear on why you feel the way you do. Ask yourself if you are willing to compromise.

Are there any other questions about children that you want answered? Ask them. You could even write another list. You may find this activity a breeze or it might take a while to work through your differences, either way once completed you will be much better placed to establish your new life together — be that just the two of you, or with children.

1. Do you want to have children? Why? Why not?
2. Do you plan to have children naturally or do you plan to adopt or foster?
3. What will it mean if you cannot conceive naturally?
4. How many children would you like to have?
5. When do you plan on having children? Is this time based or is it dictated by financial position?
6. What will it mean if you fall pregnant before then?
7. If you have different religious or cultural beliefs, how will your children be raised?
8. Will you both return to work or do you expect yourself or your partner will remain at home?
9. What type of education do you want your children to have?

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