Keys to Living Together - Then we were there 

Who does what?

While it might not be perfect, you probably have some kind of routine or system in place to make sure the bathroom stays mould free and the cupboards have food in them — well most of the time at least. This is all about to change. A new baby demands a new approach, whether you like it or not. Not thinking about how you will deal with every day tasks on top of your baby's demands will not make it easier. After the birth of the baby it is likely that you will both be exhausted so it is best to think about who will do what before hand.

How? Talk about it. Start by writing down the main household tasks that you do currently and who does what. Now make a list of all the new tasks you will need to tackle. Talk about how your existing tasks will be affected by the arrival of the baby. Now look at how the baby related tasks could be shared around.

Try not to just give all the baby tasks to Mum. Most Dads actually want to be as hands on as possible. Now is a great time to think about how you can both be involved in the care of your newborn.

Remember, after the birth things are probably going to be different to what you expected, so you may need to make some adjustments to your plan. As your baby gets older their needs will change, so make sure you keep thinking about how you can share the workload. It is important that one of you doesn't feel as though they are doing everything, and it is equally as important that no one feels left out.

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Sorting out who does what

Existing tasks	Who's responsible?	New tasks	Who's responsible

Dealing with conflict

Disagreements are a normal part of any healthy relationship and don’t have to be detrimental to it. In fact, if one of you continually gives in, just to keep the peace, it can be much worse. The key is to respect each other, and not to let your emotions take over.

Chances are when you disagree you will feel very passionately, your emotions are heightened and you may get angry, frustrated or hurt. This is fine, so long as you are able to express your feelings without being destructive. This is not always easy.

When we are really angry or upset, physical and emotional tension builds up and can cloud our judgement. This can make it impossible to get your point across in a rational manner. Listen to your body and recognise your warning signs. If you are starting to raise your voice, your palms are getting sweaty or your pulse is racing it may be a good idea to take a break and agree to have the discussion later.

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Before you attempt to tackle the topic again together, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What am I feeling?
   Are you feeling angry, hurt, embarrassed, jealous, disappointed or betrayed?
2. Why am I feeling this?
   Identify exactly what has made you feel this way. Is there anything from the past that could be adding to the way you feel?
3. What do I want to change?
   Know what it is that you want to work on. What needs to be resolved from the past or present? What action will you take?
4. Who am I really angry at?
   Is the problem really your partner's doing? Are you partly responsible? It is someone, or something else's fault?
5. Is my reaction warranted?
   Is your reaction suitable to the issue at hand? Consider the possibility that you could be overreacting or under reacting.

This can also be a worthwhile activity if you are thinking of raising something with your partner that you think could cause conflict.

It is a good idea to work out a set of rules that you both agree on for when you disagree. Here are a few ideas:

• Pick the right time — Pick a time when you can both give your full concentration. Avoid times when either of you are tired or stressed. Make sure there are no distractions; turn off the TV and take the phone off the hook.
• Attack the problem — Keep your discussion focused on the problem, try not to attack each other personally.
• Stay focused — Stick to the present, and stay focused on the problem at hand. Don’t rehash past mistakes that can’t be changed and don’t try to tackle every other problem. Address other problems at another time.
• Reach a conclusion — Decide on what action to take. You will probably need to compromise, remember you can’t win all of the time.

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Develop your own set of rules

Rules for dealing with conflict
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Doing what comes naturally (or not)

How involved are you?

• What was your baby’s weight and length at birth?
• What size clothes is your baby currently wearing?
• When will your baby start to teethe?
• How often does your baby feed each day?
• What is your baby’s favourite toy?

Raising children is one of life's greatest challenges, perhaps even its greatest challenge.

Nothing can totally prepare you for it, but experts agree that both parents have equally important roles to play in raising children.

There are no ‘natural' roles for the sexes when it comes to parenting. Women are not necessarily ‘better' at parenting than men.

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Things Dads Can Do

• Learn about the pregnancy.
• Spend some one on one time with baby. Play with toys, read to baby or go for a walk. This will also give Mum some time to rest.
• Help with the care of baby; change nappies, bath baby, once bub is old enough help with the feeding.
• Talk to Mum about what she needs, and how you can help.
• Help do some of the dayto- day things your partner doesn’t have time to like house keeping, paying the bills and feeding the pets.

Things Mums Can Do

• Include your partner in plans right from the start of pregnancy.
• Let your partner know how they can help.
• Talk to your partner and let them know how your baby is changing and developing.
• When you need a break, ask for one. Baby will benefit from time with their Dad.

It is not a matter of chromosomes, no one is hopeless with a baby just because they're a bloke, or all knowing because they have the X chromosome. 'No one has superior knowledge built in,' says Andrew King, a counsellor with the Sydney-based Uniting Care Burnside.

Parenting is about contact and connection, both of which build confidence in your ability to parent.

For lots of reasons, women tend to have more of the contact especially in the early years, and therefore more of the confidence that comes with handling a baby.

But even with new babies, the father's role should not be underplayed or undervalued. They do a great job if given the chance.

The more involved both of you are, the more connected you will feel to your baby. Research indicates that if both the father and mother are involved right from the beginning they are likely to have stronger relationships with their child/ren.

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