Keys to Living Together - Then we were there 

Welcome

Our relationships with the people around us have a significant influence on our wellbeing and how we live. For most of us, at any given time there is one special relationship — with a partner or spouse — that affects our lives more than any other. Despite its importance we often don't think about how this central relationship is working or if it can be improved. We hope this magazine will provide you with useful tips, advice and ideas to enhance your relationship.

Going from a couple to a family with a child is one of the most exciting and important times in your relationship. It is impossible to ignore the fact that your lives are about to be transformed forever. Inside you will find the information to help you develop a set of tools to deal with the changes in your relationship. There are articles and activities on everything from setting expectations and priorities, to developing an agreed parenting approach.

Then we were three

Remember when you had all the 'Couples who can talk about how their time in the world and there was relationship is changing will be more in just the two of you? No, of course control of the direction it is taking.' you don't, you're too tired to

remember anything at all, except how little sleep you've had since baby arrived on the scene.

Take heart, you are not alone. The transition from couple to family is one of life's great milestones and all milestones cause stress, as any bewildered, parent will wearily testify.

Rosalie Pattenden of Centacare Melbourne confirms the arrival of children is a source of tension for couples, as strange as that may seem for such an anticipated event.

'…couples should remember that all change brings with it a certain amount of tension, what is critical is how that change is managed. And the indicators are that couples who can talk about what is happening and how they are feeling will navigate this time successfully.'

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• Talk about how things have changed since the birth. Make sure you cover both the positive and negative. Think about what you might be able to improve and what can't be changed.
• Make a list of things you want to change or improve. Brainstorm ideas on how you can do this. For instance if Dad feels like he isn't involved, think of ways he can help.
• Make a list of things that can't be changed. Discuss how you will deal with them. For example, lack of sleep is going to be a fact of life for a while but you could agree to share the night duties. Even if bub is being breast fed, Dad can still get up for the other reasons like nappy changes.
• Make the changes. Once you have agreed on what you will do, start doing it. If it helps put the list somewhere you can review it, like on the fridge.
• Continue to think about your relationship. As your baby grows and their needs change, so will the pressures on your relationship. Remember life won't magically go back to the way it was but this isn't a bad thing. It simply means you will have to keep working to build a stronger relationship.

Plan to deal with change

Things we can change	Things we can't change
Issue: Dad feels left out Solutions: Dad and Mum take turn in putting baby down to sleep, Dad to help bath baby	Issue: Lack of sleep Things that will help Dad to get up for nappy changes when possible
Issue: Solutions:	Issue: Things that will help
Issue: Solutions:	Issue: Things that will help
Issue: Solutions:	Issue: Things that will help
The change we agree to make are:

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Setting expectations

The decision to have a baby is very exciting, and most couples spend a lot of time talking about what it will be like after they bring the baby home. This is great and is to be encouraged. Talking about what to expect from your life together as a family is an excellent way to build a healthy and happy relationship. It also decreases the risk of any unexpected clashes down the track.

1. What type of a birthing process do you plan to have? Will Dad be present?
2. Do you plan to breast feed?
3. Will you find out the sex of your child or do you want it to be a surprise?
4. How will having a baby affect your financial situation?
5. Do you have a sufficient level of life and disability insurance to give your family security if you are no longer able to support them financially for any reason?
6. Have you and your partner developed a legal will? It's a good idea to think about what you want to happen to your money and assests when you die. The time you take now to sort out your plans and make a will could really help the people you love after you're gone. A legal will can also provide direction on the custody of your child/ren if you both pass away.
7. How will your work arrangements be affected? When will you return to work? Will you work full or part-time?
8. What type, if any, of childcare will you use?
9. How much involvement will you allow from family and friends?
10. Who will be responsible for what when caring for the baby? How will you ensure that you are both involved?
11. Have you thought about how your own upbringing will effect how you raise your own children?
12. What family traditions would you like to continue from your own families? Think about how you will celebrate special events such as Christmas and birthdays.
13. What cultural and religious expectations do you have for your family?
14. What are your current life and financial goals? How will they change or be affected by the birth of your child?
15. Have you considered what you will name your child? Remember to consider both first and family names.
16. Do you have any other questions about raising children that you would like answered?

Above is a list of some key topics to talk through with your partner. Chances are you will have touched on at least some of them already, but even if there is one topic you haven't thought of yet the exercise will be worth while.

These questions are designed to be discussion starters; there is no right or wrong answer. Take your time to work through the questions and discover what is right for your family.

There are a number of quizzes and activities throughout this magazine that will help you think about many of these areas in more detail. If you have questions or concerns about your relationship that you are not comfortable talking about with your partner, it is important not to ignore them. Talk them through with someone you trust and if something more serious is on your mind like control, violence or trust issues, get help from a professional counsellor. It is important that your relationship is healthy for your own sake and the sake of your family.

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Our priorities

You may also find it useful to get together and develop a list of priorities for your short, medum and long-term goals. Be realistic about what you can achieve and also consider what you will be willing to sacrifice in order to achieve it.

Short term 1 year	Medium term 5 years	Long term 10 years
Goal: Purchase house or invest	Goal: have another baby or go oversea	Goal: Financial security
Goal;	Goal;	Goal;
Goal;	Goal;	Goal;
Goal;	Goal;	Goal;

In order to help you achieve these goals you may find it useful to develop a budget. For help doing this try the budget planner in the ‘talking about difficult stuff' section.

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