External Influences
A committed unit
Everyone wants to share in the joy that surrounds a new addition to the family. But what if that is not what you — the new parents — need?
It is not uncommon to find that when a new baby arrives you want a bit of space to sort yourselves out. Sometimes others just don't understand this, and their enthusiasm and interest, however well meaning, can start to feel link interference.
It's a difficult issue to deal with, especially in those challenging first months. On the one hand, you don't want to hurt the feelings of those who love you. But ultimately you have to decide what is right for your new family. Your family, not the desires of your in-laws, has to be the priority now says Christine Ockenfels of Anglicare, Western Australia.
Together, the two of you have to work out what is in your best interests, the best interests of your baby and how the grandparents fit in with those priorities, says Christine. And then you have to present a united front to the world based on that decision. 'Grandparents are incredibly important and you want to build on relationships, not damage them. So it might help to say something like: 'We love having you round but it's probably best if you call beforehand.'
The thing to remember is that new parents need to be committed to, and firm on, communicating what is right for their new family.
TIPS
- Decide how much involvement you will allow from your family.
- Be open with your family and let them know your wishes.
- If needed, set rules for visitors such as calling beforehand.
- Be firm and always back each other up.
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Parenthood
Nurture the strongest link
So you've decided to have children? Congratulations. That's the hard part out of the way. Or is it?
Unfortunately, it isn't always the case. There is so much to be considered when you plan to have children. And not all your energy should be focused on baby matters. Far from it, say relationship educators.
The here and now is a great time to check-up on the health and strength of your relationship. Because chances are that you might not have the time or energy to do it once that little bundle of joy, with full-on demands, comes into your life.
'You need to be thinking about and taking care of your relationship,' says Fiona McDonald, the Manager of Education Services at Relationships Australia, Western Australia.
'You don't want to totally focus on the baby and lose sight of each other.' The relationship between the couple has to remain the primary relationship, explains Fiona. It is the one that will sustain the family.
Also couples need to have a strong relationship to cope with the changes a baby, especially a first baby, brings.
And irrespective of your role, be it the breadwinner, the stay at home parent, or a combination of both, there will be days when both parents will be overburdened to the point of exhaustion. But, there are practical decisions that can be made pre-baby to help you deal with what happens post-baby. Things like working out who does what around the house and when, adopting healthy, stress-releasing habits and maintaining common interests. It will pay dividends in terms of your relationship as you move from fully couple to fully fledged family, says Fiona.
Most important of all, keep talking to each other, she says. Keep that dialogue happening.
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TIPS
- Don't focus all your energy on the baby, spend some time thinking about your own relationship.
- Think about who will do what around the house.
- Adopt stress relieving activities like exercise, reading, or listening to music.
- Make time to do things together that you both enjoy.
Celebrate difference
Judith watched with horror the first time her precious four-year-old boy climbed a tree in the garden.
Nothing she could do or say would coax him back down. And to make matters worse her husband, Daniel did not seem concerned. In fact, Judith complained he encouraged their baby, even to the extent of giving him a hand up to the first branch.
Differences of opinions on raising children are to be expected but these differences do need careful consideration if they are not going to get in the way of a happy relationship, says Denise Lacey, Manager of the Marriage and Relationship Education Unit at Centacare Melbourne.
Denise advises couples to look at their own family history for clues to how they feel about being parents. Nearly all differences relate back to how you grew up.
That's what Judith and Daniel did. And through vigorous and frank discussions, Judith realised her knowledge of boys was limited. She had grown up in an all-girl household. When she saw danger, Daniel, who grew up with three brothers, simply saw fun.
Judith and Daniel talked about their differences and Judith conceded that her husband had more knowledge about boys and what they needed. She decided she could let his knowledge influence their parenting decisions.
Their son's smile of triumph when he got to the top of the tree was ample reward for Judith's compromise. The bonus was the tightening of the bonds between her and her son.
If you are and your partner are having difficulty deciding on the best parenting approach, try the activity on the next page.
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Developing an AgreedParenting Approach
Step 1. Identify the issue that you want to resolve.
Step 2. List any experiences that you had when you were growing up.
Step 3. Work together to decide what experiences were positive and that you might like to use to develop your own approach.
Step 4. Identify what experiences were not positive and that you do not want to see used with your children.
Step 5. Agree on an approach that is right for your children. Make sure that you are both comfortable with this approach.
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Her experiences |
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Knowledge or experiences that you want to use with your own children:
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Knowledge or experiences that you do not want to see used:
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Agreed approach:
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