Dealing with the unexpected —a different style
Dealing with a crisis can be stressful on any relationship, regardless of how close you are or how long you have been together. However, when you decide to share your life with someone you are also making a decision to share not only the good times but also the harder ones.
Events such as an illness in the family, death of a close friend, or unexpected unemployment can present complex challenges to families. These challenges may seem insurmountable, but in actual fact can strengthen your relationship.
The important thing to remember is that you will both have your own way of dealing with the situation. You shouldn't expect your partner to reacin the same way. In fact according to Andrew King from the Sydney-
based Uniting Care Burnside, men and women tend to handle problems differently. 'Guys are less practiced at talking about their feelings', says Andrew. 'But it doesn't mean they love or trust their partner less because they won't talk about their problems.'
This will mean that you will need to be understanding with each other. It is important for both of you to recognise how you are feeling. No matter how you deal with things, ignoring your feelings will not make them go away.
Men tend to take a more solutions based approach to problems, so it may be useful to work out together what can be done or how you can help. While women like to talk things through, if this is difficult for you, being willing to listen is a great start.
Remember to be gentle with each other, sometimes just knowing you have someone around to give you support, can make all the difference. However if you don't feel like you or your partner is coping, get support. Friends, relatives, counsellors, and doctors can all be a big help in these times.
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TIPS
- Be aware men and women handle problems differently.
- Recognise your feelings, ignoring them won’t make them go away.
- If you want to find a solution, work out what can be done in a practical sense.
- If talking about the issue is hard for you, offer to listen.
- Get help from friends, relatives, counsellors or doctors if needed.
Getting close to the truth
The birth of a child is never easy. And we are not just referring to the actual birthing process here.
The changes that occur with the arrival of children cannot be overestimated. Believe it when people tell you your life won't be the same again.
But change, even one as momentous as moving from being a couple to a family with children, does not have to be negative. A lot depends on how you prepare for that change.
Relationship expert, Denise Lacey of Centacare Melbourne says couples need to face the 'what ifs' in the months preceding the birth.
One issue couples don't always feel comfortable addressing but worry about, is how their sex life will be affected by becoming parents. Be sure it will, but again, that change does not necessarily have to be negative.
'However much you might wish it otherwise, it will change. Just like everything else in your life.' Some first-time mothers can be terribly anxious about the physical consequences of giving birth, says Denise. Her advice again is for the partners to talk about their feelings and fears before the birth. 'It will help ally any fears. You don't want any surprises or no go areas.' Talking to your doctor or midwife about what to expect can also help.
After the birth women are often sore and exhausted and wonder if they will ever want sex again. Don't worry this is normal and almost all couples develop a healthy sex life again given time. The key is to take things slowly, and to talk to each other. Remember if sex is painful, uncomfortable or not enjoyable there could be a medical reason, so talk to your doctor.
Life in your house is probably going to be pretty hectic, so sex, like everything else may need a little organising. Don't worry; it won't be any less enjoyable for being planned!
Remember there is no right time to start having sex again, every couple is different. It is important to support each other and be patient.
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Other books in this series
Keys to Living Together — Keys to Living Together
Taking the first step and making a significant commitment to someone you love is one of the most exciting and important times in your relationship. Keys to Living Together — Taking the first step includes the information you need to develop your own set of relationship tools.
Keys to Living Together — Instant families
Creating a new relationship and with it a new family is an exciting and important time, that can often also be very complicated. Keys to Living Together — Instant families includes information to help you develop a set of tools to help make the transition a little smoother.
Other resources in the series
Can't find a Keys to Living Together kit that is right for you? We are currently developing kits for more family types and families with other needs. To find out about these other kits you can check out our
Keys website.
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Contacts
For additional copies or more information please contact: Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs
PO Box 7788 Canberra Mail Centre ACT 2610
Telephone 1800 050 009
(*free unless calling from a mobile or pay phone)
TTY: 1800 260 402
(a telephone typewriter for people with a hearing or speech impairment)
Keys website