13.1 Parental Relationships
Galinsky focused very little on the issue of the relationships between parents. Spouse employment was not a significant predictor in the models of feelings of stress or success in parenting or having a child with behaviour problems. The issue of sharing child-related responsibilities was raised and reported as a significant predictor of grades parents gave themselves, feelings of success in parenting, and the presence of "behaviour problems" in a child.
The parent data indicated that fathers were a little more inclined than mothers to say that they shared child-related responsibilities equally (55% compared with 47%). When both parents were working, fathers were more likely to say that they shared responsibilities equally than that either parent had most of the responsibility. Equal proportions of mothers indicated that they shared responsibilities, or had most of the responsibility when both parents worked. Both mothers and fathers agreed that where one parent had most of the responsibility, that parent was likely to be the mother. Galinsky used quotes from the qualitative research to suggest that some parents experienced conflict over differences in parenting style that may undermine attempts to share parenting responsibilities.
In this research there were no direct questions about parents' relationships with each other, however, there were several instances when parents talked about issues of work that caused tension. Further work in this area might be useful, particularly as there is a large body of research that considers parental conflict to be one of the strongest determinants of poor outcomes for children (eg. Depner, Leino & Chun, 1992; Vandewater and Lansford, 1998).
Many of the parents indicated that they did not feel that they had enough time for themselves and their partners. This reflects the time use research which suggests that parents take time from themselves and their relationships in order to be able to spend sufficient time with children.
One issue that emerged in a number of interviews as a source of tension between couples was the issue of the relative value attributed to women's work.
I think, and he may dispute this, but I think (my ex-husband) always looked at my working as a bit secondary, as a bit of the traditional thing where, particularly in more recent years where my income was nice to have but not necessary, so it was a bit like something I did to fill in a few days….But I never felt like it was just something that I just dabbled in until it was time to pick the kids up.
(single mother working in professional occupation)
Tension can arise over a lack of appreciation of the greater responsibility for parenting that one parent may take on.
Whenever he baby-sits, he doesn't do what I do. He might baby-sit the boys, but he's not capable of cleaning the house at the same time, and rushing it to borrow videos, and doing this and doing that, they're not capable of doing it, men. And they just take the easy way out I find. And they don't appreciate what you do. It's like, because you've got a part-time job they think you have all this time on your hands and you actually don't.
[mother, works part-time; father, full-time]
Sometimes this tension contributed to a mother deciding to find paid work.
(My partner) would come home and "but you've done nothing all day" and I would say "you would have no idea what I've done", you know, and I used to get really angry. I was getting angrier and angrier and feeling my ego was going down and down, and I was thinking about all the things I could have done with my life and really starting to resent my child. So I looked through the paper, found the job – it looked perfect – and I got it straight away, and yeah, I must say it's not the easiest work in the world, but I'm glad I have it. It's like my break, to go to work.
[mother, works 20 hours]
For this mother, the fact that she worked then gave her additional leverage to request support in the domestic labour.
I'm not resentful towards my boyfriend, because, equally, I suppose he is working more hours, but then again, I can say, I work too, so help around the house and support me. So I get more support.
It also gave her and her partner a point of contact, although the issue of the relative importance of her work was also raised.
So now we're able to talk. He'll ask me about my work, but I think he always thinks his work is more important than my work. But I say to him, "your work is a lot easier than my work, you know why?". And he'll go "Why?". And I'll say "because you're working with bricks and mortar. I'm working with human beings and it's a lot bloody harder, you know. It's more stressful."
Even when a couple worked in the same profession, however, tension was expressed in terms of how each partner's work was valued. Again, this seemed to revolve to some extent around the distribution of domestic chores, and the observation (supported by the children) that the mother was doing most of the household work. But it also related to a perception of whether the husband valued his wife's work, something that was seen to be reflected in who was most likely to take time off to care for a sick child.
I looked at my pay the other day. I have only 20 days sick leave and I've been (in my profession) now for 14 years and that's because I take all the carers' days. If the boys have to go off to hospital or if anything happens it's me.
[mother works full-time]
The mother thought that part of this might be a reflection in her husband of an unconscious belief in the need for the male to be the bread-winner.
A parent who worked full-time and expressed a need for time to do something for themselves, such as exercise, was seen as taking family time for themselves in a way that the other parent did not.
I can understand why he does that. He has a desk job…so he needs to train. He needs to do physical exercise and it gets rid of his stress he says. But he does that about five nights a week. So we don't talk 'til the weekends really, as a family.
[mother works part-time]
Parents who were working at irregular shifts also had issues with lack of time for parental communication. One father considered that his work had contributed to the breakdown of his first marriage.
Sometimes I wouldn't go home for a week because of the hours. The money was good, and everything was good, but the problem was I had to cover up if anybody wasn't there. To cover up a shift, and there is nobody there, so I had to do it. So, all those things contributed to my divorce, and so now, what I am saying, is I just want to do 8 hours and get of out there.
(father works night shift)
Several parents talked about the supportive nature of their relationships, either in terms of the compatibility of their parenting styles or in the support given for work decisions. It is perhaps surprising how few parents, particularly mothers, referred to their partners in describing their work choices. It was more common for mothers to talk about the lack of support that they felt from husbands than to talk about receiving support. For most women, their emotional responses to working seemed to be largely independent of their spouses. Perhaps this suggests a lack of discussion about the issue, and as well as encouraging parents to talk to children about work and family, parents should be encouraged to talk to one another. Those who had found support seemed to have derived great strength from it.
I saw that she wasn't happy in the role of being the household mother and it took some time in convincing her that I was not going to think that she was a terrible person or a terrible mother or letting the family down or anything just to go back to work. In fact it got to the point where I said "I almost demand you go back to work" as much as I dare do that with her. "Because" I said "if you don't, you're going to drive me insane".
[both parents work full-time]
This same father spoke of balancing work and family.
Fortunately (my wife) and I again are very well matched in many ways and that is one. We both seem to feel the same sort of level of need if you like – what we consider to be balance, or not balance, in the family and the amount of time we like to be together with the family.
The idea of having a personal level of balance and a family level is an important point which seems to reflect the earlier observation that many parents, particularly mothers, appeared to be making decision about employment at a very individual level. From the father's earlier response, it would seem that it required some negotiation early in their parenting days to allow this couple to choose work patterns that reflected this sense of balance.
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13.2 Single Parents
The large number of single parents in the sample revealed some of the issues that are particularly pertinent to their circumstances, including the impact that such a change in family structure had on their employment status. Several of the single mothers said that they had never intended to work, but following the marriage breakdown they had needed to. Interestingly, however, there were several single mothers who reported very little income, who still felt that they were making a better choice for their children if they did not work at times when the children would be home. Once again, the strength of a parent's conviction about what is the best way to parent is seen to be a powerful factor in determining labour force participation.
I actually was forced (to work) because their father stopped child maintenance and I actually found in the end that having that part-time work, I originally started off as training, part of the…compulsory work experience type thing – professional placement. So um, I actually found it gave me a lot more perspective on life.
One single parent talked about the complicated decision making process.
I'm lucky I've got a good job and I work in a good place that pays well above your standard teacher's wage and if I was in another job at a state school it might be seen to be not that much worth it. For every dollar I earn they take 2 or 3 more off me. I don't get any healthcare benefits anymore, I don't get any free dental or medical or anything like that. No cheap public transport or anything, so the dollar value for working has to be a lot more than it was. When I first started working full-time it actually turned out that I was financially worse off working full-time than what I would have been to stay part-time and get government benefits.
I actually had the attitude for a long time that I was being punished financially by working full-time, for wanting to be a better person, for what I considered to be a better person because I was doing what I thought would benefit me in the long run – working full-time because I was getting less government benefits in terms of the pension and the family allowance, but also I was losing all the advantages of being a single parent – getting a health card; the one free trip to country Victoria every year; whatever else came with it, right down to the nitty-gritty – I lost it all. Yes there was definitely a changeover point where I thought, "Jesus Christ, they couldn't make this any worse."
[single mother]
Issues of money clearly affected these single parents. One parent whose ex-husband was making no child payments expressed anger at the fact that she had no money to give to the children, and that he had nothing to do with the children. Another talked about not receiving financial support, but appreciating the time that her ex-husband contributed.
The single parents also tended to have a different view of the questions about time spent with children than parents in intact families. For single parents, their time with their children had the additional external constraint that issues of shared parenting bring.
Weekends they go to their father's every Saturday night, so every Saturday evening I get them down to (his house) by 5pm, so the day's over by 4pm (because of the time it takes) getting them organised and taking them down there.
For separated parents, children spend time with each parent separately from the other, so that time spent with the "other" parent leaves each parent without the children.
I miss them a lot when they're not here. And you go from this incredible…chaotic carry on which is totally the way it is all the time, to this silence. Suddenly it's like a vacuum and you walk around going "what will I do?" I've got a lot better at it. I used to be hopeless at it and hate it and not be able to settle to anything or use the time effectively.
It was also noticeable that, whatever other issues may have been raised, many of the parents in this sample had the capacity to work very cooperatively with their ex-partners in terms of changing access arrangements as children's needs changed. Several fathers had changed their work practices since separation, either using flexibility to pick up children from school one or two nights a week, or even cutting back working days. This was acknowledged by mothers as giving them more capacity to meet work commitments without inducing additional stress. The parents who managed to have this level of co-operation would appear to be achieving a level of shared responsibility that they had not had in their married relationships.
One parent noted that there were some advantages of being in a two-parent family, although she observed the gendered use of strategies to reduce the impact of work on family.
May be if you're in an intact marriage, there is that extra flexibility where you can support each other and one can pick the kids up while one's working late or something but very often it still seems to me…I don't know, maybe it's just people I see. Generally, it still seems to me it's the male who's working the more traditional job, and the female who's still working, increasingly working, part-time, and more hours part-time, but still in a job that's perhaps seen as an extra income support, a bit of extra support.
I mean I'd like to be in a married situation and you know, there's like two of us helping to bring her up and making decisions and the damn responsibilities and you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. You know, someone to help share the burden as such, of bringing up kids.
Another single mother talked about children being able to meet their needs with other adults.
Your children can choose things that they like from adults around them as part of their role and they are then role models. Whether it be a teacher, whether it be their coach, and that's where it's important for me to monitor what their coach is saying.
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13.3 Fathering
Some of the fathers in the sample talked about the importance of their roles, particularly in their sons' lives. One father was concerned that his children would be able to express their feelings.
I know men really struggle in that area and it is not until they get a skin full of beer that it comes out. I would like my boys especially to really feel quite free about trying to speak about their feelings.
[father works full-time from home]
A father with young adult children now, talked about helping at kindergarten and school when they were young.
I used to go up to kindergarten and do the fruit and put out the milk. I think they probably thought I was a paedophile to start with, but they got used to me after a while. Then the people who got used to me at the kindergarten used to think, "Oh, he's okay because he used to work at the kindergarten, so he can come up and do school lunches.
Another father talked about wanting to take a turn at being home with the second child.
Actually me and (my wife), even before (my son) was born decided that (my wife) was going to get a full-time job and I was going to stay at home and look after (my son) because she had already had that chance. But that hasn't happened and it is still slowly coming up to that. She's talking about having another one and I've said, "well, there's definitely no ifs or buts – you are going to get a full-time job, because I'm not going to go out and work and miss out on watching my kids grow up". That's one of the biggest things I really hate when I come home from work. Not being with (my son) for the whole time that I could be.
[father, works full-time]
In contrast with the mothers who felt strongly that they needed to be available to their children when they were young, several fathers talked about having an increasing sense of wanting to be around as children got older.
I used to work 6/7 days a week and (my wife) looked after the kids, but as they got older, you wanted to spend more and more time at home. [How did this come around?] Two things – one, the kids have said it, and I guess the older I've got and the older they've got, I've thought, I just wanted to spend a bit more time with them. Because you're talking with clients and people you work with, and the conversation often is about your kids, and I think it dawns sometimes, and the light goes on – you've got three kids at home too. What are you doing for them or with them? It's what we both want to do.
[father temporarily unemployed]
It just became more of an issue and, as children grow older - certainly before they necessarily turn into a terrifying teenager - but they become more interesting beings, with all of their emotional and intellectual , and the way they can engage with you. And I find that I, increasingly, want to spend more time with (my son).
[single father – non-resident]
One mother who had changed careers because her original career had so little flexibility talked about the fact that having children had given her a legitimate reason to try something different. She had excelled at her first profession, but had not felt passionate about it. In contrast, some fathers talked about feeling that they were not allowed the same flexible approach to their work participation as their female partners were.
Well, (my wife) is in a good career path now, and I've quite happily said, "well, I've worked 20 years and supported you and the family, so you can work the next 20 and I'll go do the carer's role". And she shudders at the thought – absolutely. She thinks I'm teasing.
[father, works full-time]
One father who had taken several years out of paid work to care for his children experienced surprised reactions from others.
People would say "what do you do?" I would say "I look after the kids". "Yes, but what do you do?" Stuff you, that's work. I think the common perception that work has to be paid where you go and do an activity in an office is so removed from family life. Caring for kids is quite demanding.
He thought that it might be easier for women to return after a five-year absence from the workforce because it is more expected of women. "So there was that stereotype working against me".