Introduction to working with men and family relationships guide

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Contents

• Table of contents
• Foreword
• Preface
• Topic 1: Introduction to working with men
• Topic 2: Working with men as fathers
• Topic 3: Skills used when working with men
• Topic 4: Working with men and culture
• Topic 5: Once were hunters and gatherers-working with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander men
• Topic 6: Working with men in different contexts
• References

Topic 3: Skills used when working with men

Outline

This topic discusses the following subjects:

• Help seeking behaviour in men.
• Child-focussed practice.
• Using transition periods.
• Generative chill.
• The engagement triangle.
• Appropriate responses to men crying.
• How to plan a successful father’s group.
• Tips for attracting group members.
• Tips for keeping group members.

Many practitioners reflect that the skills used in the engagement stage when working with men are where the differences are found compared to those skills used in working with women. Otherwise, the skills for working with men or women are very complimentary. The engagement stage is the common period where men ‘go invisible’ and display avoidance/disinterested behaviour or revert to a ‘fight mentality’ where they may argue their point of view or be intimidating in their physique.

Help seeking behaviour in men

In terms of accessing medical care, support services and behaviour change programs, men are well known for waiting until the situation is desperate before reaching out for help. This approach to problem solving is often driven by socialised messages that they alone will be able to survive and manage the situation. Also they may fear that when other people are involved in the situation, it may ‘bring it to a head’ or make the situation worse.

When men are confronted by a crisis they feel inadequate to resolve themselves, they are more likely to reach out for support. Separated fathers are the single largest group of men who are known for their help seeking behaviour and will actively look for support from services. During these crises, a short ‘window period’ occurs where men are likely to accept help and support. If the crisis passes without obtaining support they may not engage again until the next crisis occurs, if at all.

Help-seeking behaviour for men can appear as:

• urgent
• rushed
• immediate
• active
• mobile
• doing
• erratic
• pushy
• demanding
• power-seeking

These behaviours are often driven by a variety of feelings that are not explicitly expressed to other people. Some of the feelings separated fathers use to describe their experience are:

• frightened
• hurt
• confused
• numb
• sacked
• dismissed
• gutted
• tricked
• screwed
• shamed
• unappreciated
• betrayed

The urgency in their attempt to find help may need to be refined or focussed to ensure they effectively access a service. In accessing help, men can tell a long story of all the events that occurred and justify why they need support. This may not be helpful if the intake worker or telephone receptionist does not have enough time to listen and starts to cut the man off. Help seeking behaviour can be channelled by highlighting the key questions men need to answer to obtain the required help.

These questions allow the worker to understand what the service user needs and how the worker can respond. If the worker suggests solutions that have already been unsuccessful, men can easily become frustrated. Using a solution focussed approach to counselling, the worker may propose a range of options that include the service user obtaining legal advice, accessing a support group or seeing a doctor etc. Self care options may include visiting a general practitioner, the local community health centre or phoning Mensline Australia, when required.

Child focussed practice

It is now broadly recognised that child-focussed practice is useful to use when working with men. It enables the creation of relevant discussions with men regarding their family, their insights, concerns and the possible changes that are required. While it is a concept primarily used in mediation and family separation dispute resolution, it is a valuable concept that can be utilised in many other family contexts.

Child-inclusive practices (www.fahcsia.gov.au/internet/facsinternet.nsf/family/frsp-through_childs_eyes.htm) have been systematically introduced into the community mediation field in Australia over the last 10 years and have been substantially developed and researched in that time. Child-focussed practice occurs when professionals actively give the child a voice by helping the parent(s) to develop their understanding and awareness of their child’s needs to encourage the parent(s) to keep this as a focus. Child inclusive practice involves either directly bringing the child into sessions with the parent(s) or giving the child a voice through a third party practitioner such as in a mediation process. McIntosh (2007) outlines a model of child-focussed practice to:

• create an environment that supports disputing parents in actively considering the unique needs of each of their children
• facilitate a parenting agreement that preserves significant relationships and supports children’s psychological adjustment to the separation, including recovery from parental acrimony and protection from further conflict
• support parents to leave the dispute resolution forum on higher rather than diminished ground with respect to their post-separation parenting
• ensure that the ongoing mediation/litigation process and the agreements or decisions reached reflect the basic psychodevelopmental needs of each child, to the extent that they can be known without the involvement of the children.

Using transition periods

Men may resist accessing support services due to their lack of knowledge about the possible benefits they could receive. However, they are more likely to overcome this resistance when they face a crisis that differs from the predicted path in their life. It is during these transitional periods (crises) that men are more likely to overcome the suspicion of being judged and access support services. These transition periods include situations where they:

• experience relationship difficulties
• experience family separation
• have expectations of how life should unfold that are very different to what occurs
• wish to live life differently to how they grew up.

It is the authors’ experience that men have increased motivation and interest in family counselling programs when service provision is linked with the father’s underlying desire to have a closer relationship with his children.

During these transitional periods many other factors will ultimately determine if fathers engage with support services. Table 1 identifies four stages of male involvement in community/family services, the key processes and difficulties that men face and the supportive steps used by community welfare/health professionals.

Table 1: Processes in engaging men

Stages	Key behaviours and issues	Supportive steps for men’s workers
Pre-involvement	Barriers/pressures are likely to exist Men access services when inner conflict/turmoil is very high	Regular accessible advertising to inform men and other key family members or supports about the existence of relevant services
Initial contact	Can be either in person or over the phone. Men are likely to have many questions and be suspicious of being judged	Key processes are: reduce suspicion create initial engagement provide some basic information and problem solving as required ensure easy access to program or service make a welcoming environment at your centre inform men of available choices and options provide clear information and description of the support program
Decision making about further involvement	Factors that can prohibit further involvement are: Generative Chill (discussed on p.48) Other life crises (e.g. addictions) Juggling multiple demands	Key processes are: meet the men face-to-face use follow-up phone calls encourage other workers or family members to be available to talk through choices with the men
Ongoing involvement –attending counselling/groups	Initial problem may be alleviated and a new purpose or direction discussed before the men cease accessing the program	Key processes are: clarify a clear purpose reflect on situation and life-long learning explore the on-going challenges mean what you say follow through with commitments made by the worker connect situation with key values–respect, support, empathy and equity to their relationship and work life

Source: King & Fletcher ( 2001)

Stage 1: Pre-involvement

Many agencies find early intervention working with men difficult as they usually seek help during a crisis, rather than beforehand. Some of the effective strategies to promote early intervention are:

• Using regular advertising and promotional articles in local newspapers. Other gatekeepers in men’s lives such as family members and friends often read them and encourage men to access those services as issues arise
• Ensuring your program/service is well known among other organisations that have contact with men. Many services have little knowledge of where they can access appropriate support services for men. Encourage referrals that use a person’s name and direct-line phone number
• Developing great practice in your program or group work. Word-of-mouth promotion between men who are participants and their friends or work mates, is one of the best forms of validation and promotion. This can account for 30-70 per cent of new referrals
• Ensuring that informal or formal men’s or father’s groups are run regularly in your program. It may take six months to develop the necessary awareness to make the first group happen, but subsequent groups are more viable when people know they can be easily accessed. Working in partnership with other agencies can provide a stronger infrastructure to maintain father’s groups in the area.

Stage 2: Initial contact

When men contact a service, they may look for immediate answers to their problems. Many men will have a degree of suspicion and concern about the organisation that they have contacted. They will ask themselves questions such as ‘Will I be lectured to?’ ‘Will I be made to feel inadequate?’ etc. These concerns need to be appropriately addressed for successful engagement. If they are interested in participating in a men’s group, they need to know when and where it will be. If the wait for a group is too long, they will disengage and the window of opportunity to engage will pass.

A man’s decision to access a service will be initially affected by age, socio-economic, cultural and language differences between themselves and the service.

Professionals need to focus on these following points:

• As a majority of first contact occasions will be over the telephone, ensure that calls are returned promptly.
• Tackle these initial concerns or questions with a simple explanation about what your organisation provides, and what is involved when men access the service.
• Provide men with a variety of options. Making choices regarding the type of services available is likely to enhance a man’s motivation as he will have more control.
• Ensure that you mean what you say, as it will reduce suspicion.
• Recognise possible strengths or attempted solutions that the man has already used.

Stage 3: Decision making about further involvement

During this stage, the person will process the information and ideas he has received and make a decision about further involvement. Life experiences can create difficulties for his on-going involvement in programs such as including ‘generative chill’, life crises, and the need to juggle multiple demands.

Generative Chill

Extreme threats to an adult’s parental generativity will result in ‘generative chill’, a type of anxiety resulting from a perceived or real danger of losing the child or children one has helped to create (Snarey, 1993). ‘It seems likely that brief or extended threats to generativity will have a significant impact on a father’s selfhood...’ (Snarey, 1993). Family breakdown presents separated fathers with a threat that often results in depression. Generative chill is further discussed later in topic 6 — working with separated fathers.

Other life crises (e.g. addiction issues)

Mental health and/or addiction problems have a significant affect on men’s motivation to be involved in support services. Some fathers will drop out of a group due to these issues, while others use the group experience as part of their recovery program.

In order to meet the challenge of supporting a participant’s recovery program, father’s groups need to be flexible enough to allow longer term involvement. Instead of running psychoeducational groups that are limited to eight weeks, therapeutic/ educational groups can be provided that allow some fathers to engage for 12 to 18 months. Some of the participants will be at different stages of recovery from their addiction. Three major tools for dealing with addiction issues in these groups are:

• the development of a group culture that allows participants to challenge each other regarding lifestyle and drug and alcohol issues
• the reinforcement of relapse prevention strategies in the group
• the adoption of basic core values such as respect, empathy, support and equality, for the participant’s family and work life.

Juggling multiple demands

Men, like women, often juggle a variety of roles and pressures in the normal course of the day. Men may choose not to access support services due to time constraints. The only real solution is to provide choices in the range of groups/services that are available. Some groups may be intensive, some may be psychoeducational groups and some may be one-day workshops. Professionals may then discuss with men these choices and the possible outcomes for them.

Stage 4: Ongoing involvement by accessing programs

The involvement that most men have in programs varies over time. It is valuable to allow men the choice to either receive information, attend a short one-day workshop, or access medium or longer term weekly programs. When longer term group work programs are provided, new membership and the revitalisation of commitment to the program is maintained. Some participants will leave the group at the end of the school term while other participants will commence their attendance.

The ongoing nature of a longer term group format ensures that there is usually capacity for new referrals to join the group instead of waiting for long periods. It is also valuable for ensuring that men have enough time to make significant changes. This type of group is valuable for men who are interested in becoming the primary carer of their child but are not currently living with their child.

When child protection issues occur with the mother of the children and her current partner, it is worthwhile considering the biological father as a possible placement option. These fathers may have left the relationship years earlier and will need additional support to deal with their own feelings and ‘generative chill’ issues to present themselves as an appropriate primary carer.

Men’s groups that combine psychoeducational and open discussion sessions in the group format allow for the development of new ideas as well as ensure that the individual explores his own life challenges. It is in this combination of sessions that learning with men is maximised. This blend of group work format allows for:

• the better integration of psychoeducational material to the real life situation of the participants. Greater opportunities exist for the discussion of difficulties and achievements especially when multiple problems exist in the participant’s life
• a non-competitive environment in the group that allows men to relax and engage in the group and with new areas of learning
• time to use storytelling to validate new ways of talking about life experiences and discussing other options for managing real situations. Storytelling is used significantly by men in a wide range of environments; in the workplace, at pubs and clubs. It allows a culture of equality and open communication that is important because of the difficulties that are created by the competitiveness men experience as they grow up
• the modelling of cooperative responses in family communication and the development of confidence in using different solutions to problems
• the participants to develop a culture that validates appropriate actions and responses in their wider life.

The engagement triangle

Language has a significant influence on the successful engagement of men. If the language used by the professional worker is deficit based, it will increase the male service user’s level of suspicion and they are less likely to access the program. Some of the deficit based assumptions (King, 2000) view most men as:

• abusive
• emotionally challenged
• under involved in household activities
• having little interest in professional feedback about their children.

When working with men, effective language involves three key components as illustrated in Figure 1. These three key components are contained in the organisational context and Occupational, Health and Safety policies and the specific context for service delivery. For example each organisation has policies about safe work practices when providing after hours counselling services.

The three key components for developing father-friendly language are:

• relevance – the discussion needs to be relevant to the service user’s needs
• faith builder – the worker needs to convey the belief that the male service user has the ability to commit, choose, care, change, create, connect and communicate
• honest/direct – male service users respect people who honestly and respectfully discuss with them the important issues in their life.

Figure 1.1 OH&S Policies

Example

At a father’s support service in Western Sydney, a large number of separated fathers regularly access the program. The use of direct and relevant language is important in creating a positive direction for managing family separation. The staff encourage men to refer to their ‘ex-partners’ as the ‘mother of their children’, rather than their ‘ex’. The word ‘ex’ conjures up images of someone who is ‘no longer important’ or is a ‘has-been’. This simple change of language is well received by the men as it reinforces a new and positive attitude towards family separation, their child/ren, their previous relationship and themselves.

Some strategies that increase engagement with men include:

• remembering that body language is powerful. Develop strong and comfortable body language around male service users regardless of any height or size differences. Men quickly tune into how comfortable other people are around them and this will influence their level of respect. The simple act of shaking hands, for many men, can symbolise a higher level of respect and mutual connection. In different cultural groups and age brackets, a ‘high five’ will achieve the same effect
• using non-deficit language to demonstrate a respect for the importance of family relationships in men’s lives
• allowing time for male service users to reflect on a discussion after you have been honest and direct with them. Men can become frustrated and will need an opportunity to vent their feelings and time to consider the importance of what has been said. However, no form of intimidation or threat of violence or aggression is acceptable
• being comfortable with the male approach. This is very different from the average female interaction. Men can be, for a variety of reasons, naturally more boisterous, louder, and have a stronger presence in social situations. Generally this is not intended as threatening, yet can be perceived as such
• being child-focussed with men who are fathers. The child-focussed approach cuts through all other situations affecting the men’s lives and helps them to redirect their focus to the child/ren, e.g. ‘How do you think that will affect your child?’

Creating relevance with service users is clearly illustrated with a man named Terry who has been attending an intensive father’s group. In a recent group session, he gave feedback to the group on the positive effect the group has had on his life since he was released from a correctional centre. During his last time in gaol, someone recommended he join a father’s group to make a smooth transition back into his large family. Terry reflected on what the group meant to him and concluded that it ‘focussed on my kids, and me’ and this was vital in establishing relevance.

It is quite a challenge for any parent to move from such a highly controlled environment as a prison, to the chaos of living in a family with many children. The children had not seen their father for a significant part of their lives. Terry began his involvement with the father’s group four months prior to release and continued for over a year thereafter. He now credits the support from the group as the major factor in him staying with the family and not re-offending.

Being a faith builder demands perseverance and the belief that a father has the capacity to make appropriate choices. For example, Adrian has been a member of an intensive father’s group for over 18 months. When he commenced attending, Adrian was experiencing regular conflict at home with parent/teenager power issues. Adrian struggled to express himself in the group and would resist any encouragement to speak. After some weeks he began to be vocal about his own experience and supported men in dealing with their own issues. He was less reactive with his own teenage children and developed a stronger and more supportive relationship with his partner.

While being honest and direct with men is challenging, it creates a greater respect and a focus for change. For example, Graham is a father with two children and a partner. The Department of Community Services has informed him he has a limited time to make significant changes in his approach to parenting or run the risk of having the children taken into out-of-home care. The following is an example of how the group worker approaches this scenario:

Worker: ‘Graham, it is time to deal with these issues or your children will be removed. You cannot afford to continue down the path you have used over the last few months. We want to support you and we have to keep the welfare of the children as the priority. We need to work together on this. Does this make sense?’

The worker has focussed the discussion on change and this provides Graham with choices:

• He can sit with his anger and resentment and continue not to change, with the risk that his children will be taken into care.
• He can engage fully with the worker and/or program, and accept feedback about his behaviour, even though it is difficult. This demands a willingness to trust the worker and recognise that at the heart of this lies the best interests for him and his children.

Appropriate responses to men crying

The display of emotion by men is influenced by a wide range of cultural based messages. For some cultures, tears are an ordinary expression of strength and life. In Anglo-Saxon culture, crying may be tempered with feelings of inadequacy or failure. In times of distress men will apologise for crying and say something like:

• ‘I’m sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me’
• ‘I feel like an idiot’
• ‘I’m not usually like this’
• ‘I’m just being stupid.’

When working with men it is best to value crying as normal and a strength. Workers may respond by saying;

• ‘There’s nothing to be sorry for’
• ‘This is the hardest thing men face in their life’
• ‘I’m OK with this’
• ‘I don’t see an idiot’
• ‘A lot of men rob themselves of this opportunity to release the pain’
• ‘It takes courage to come to this moment of realism’
• ‘There’s nothing stupid about being honest with our emotions’
• ‘When these emotions build up it affects our whole wellbeing and behaviour’
• ‘It is okay. Some men deal with the feeling by behaving in violent ways hurting themselves and those around them’
• ‘This pain you are feeling is shared by all involved in the separation – mothers, fathers, extended family and especially children’
• ‘In order to support the children we must first be honest with our own emotions.’

Unhelpful things to say or do when men are crying are:

• Handing them tissues. This may be a sign that the worker is not comfortable with the tears and wishes for it to stop. Often tears will stop after someone is handed a tissue.
• Making a note as it will appear that you are judging them as depressed and recording it
• Taking a few deep breaths as it may be interpreted as a sign that the worker is not comfortable with the emotional expression and wishes for it to stop
• Leaving the room as it may be a sign that the worker is not comfortable with it and wishes for the emotional expression to stop
• Saying ‘when you are right we will continue’ as it implies that the crying is inappropriate to your context of working together
• Saying ‘are you always this emotional’ as it may be a sign that the worker is not comfortable with it and wishes for it to stop
• Saying ‘I’m concerned about you’ as it will appear that you are judging them as depressed or suicidal.

How to plan a successful fathers’ group

Strategies to help you plan an effective program include (King & Coleman, 2007):

• using father-friendly timing and hold the program at an appropriate time– depending on whether its with children or not
• identifying other workers and agencies who can assist you to plan, promote, conduct or support the program. For example, some dads may need respite to attend. Or, if your organisation does not provide activities to the children of targeted dads, then it is recommended that you seek assistance with the planning, conducting and equipping the activities session from agencies who have experience with this context
• identifying dads who are willing to help you to plan and promote the session
• meeting with dads, other family members or service providers to try to ascertain which topics are likely to be of greatest interest, and what times and frequencies are likely to suit most men
• checking with other major agencies to avoid picking a time which clashes with other activities for targeted families
• working out what other resources you will need e.g. providing food, using a venue in which fathers are likely to feel comfortable, and making sure you have appropriate activity or training resources.

Tips for attracting group members

In developing the Hey Dad! For fathers who have a child with a disability program (King & Coleman, 2007), 70 per cent of the fathers at a focus group, indicated that having phone contact with the leaders was essential for them in deciding to attend the first session. This process enabled them to clarify questions and build a connection with the leader.

Our experience suggests that the following tips will help you to attract men to your group work programs:

• Have an established relationship with the fathers, or involve an organisation that has direct contact with the father’s children. In the pilot, the most successful programs in accessing fathers and encouraging them to attend the sessions involved programs delivered in partnership with disability services
• Use ‘gatekeepers’ in men’s lives, such as partners or other key family members, to encourage their initial involvement in the program
• Get dads who have already attended other programs to tell other dads about it and to promote their attendance
• Request that other agencies supporting targeted families promote your program and encourage fathers’ attendance. Use the first name of the person who is taking bookings to increase the likelihood that men will register
• Use quotes and reflections from other fathers who have attended other sessions in your promotional material
• In all promotional material, be clear about times, locations, dates, structure, content and the availability of respite, that food will be provided, and that the program is free
• Ring all the participants and speak to them individually about the program (this is very important as it starts building the relationship before they walk in the door)
• Explain the overall content and likely process involved and working out ways to remove any barriers to, or anxieties about, their attendance
• Allow lots of time to plan and develop trust with the fathers. If it is difficult to recruit fathers to attend, organise some social events, like a BBQ to enable the men to slowly get to know other fathers
• Provide a map to make finding the venue simple
• Provide details about transport, parking etc.

Tips for keeping group members

It is important to portray a welcoming impression. For example:

• welcome new fathers, find out what they would like from the group, explain what will happen in the meeting and introduce the new members to other members
• arrange seats in a circle
• allow time for talking and listening to each other
• avoid jargon and don’t refer to people without explaining who they are
• remember and use people’s names.

Groups need members who will share in the workload of the group. For example:

• everyone should help decide on the group’s activities
• members’ views should be heard
• members should identify roles or activities they are happy to help with
• rotate jobs regularly and involve new members
• share information and make use of existing networks
• give everyone a chance to contribute with the skills they have
• do not let older members dominate (Contact a Family, 2006a).

Successful groups:

• have a positive group climate emphasising the strengths of children
• focus on what can be accomplished, rather than obstacles
• meet the needs of members, whether that be emotional support, information, education and/or advocacy
• have leaders who motivate/organise and provide contacts (King, Stewart, King, & Law, 2000).

When working with men, phone calls need to be answered or returned promptly as they often have a lower threshold for frustration before this ‘window period’ vanishes.

The best skill for dealing with men’s help seeking behaviour is to work from a position of ‘being alongside’. Many images of how men relax and be with others display examples of ‘perceived equality’ or this ‘alongside behaviour’.

Nationally, most practitioners working with men have identified child-focussed practice as a primary tool for supporting men and changing their behaviour.

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Next: Topic 4: Working with men and culture

Previous: Topic 2: Working with men as fathers

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