Introduction to working with men and family relationships guide

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Contents

• Table of contents
• Foreword
• Preface
• Topic 1: Introduction to working with men
• Topic 2: Working with men as fathers
• Topic 3: Skills used when working with men
• Topic 4: Working with men and culture
• Topic 5: Once were hunters and gatherers-working with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander men
• Topic 6: Working with men in different contexts
• References

Topic 2: Working with men as fathers

Outline

This topic discusses the following subjects:

• Useful websites about fathering.
• Father-inclusive practice – what is it?
• Why engage fathers?
• Programs for fathers can help to...
• Barriers to father-inclusive programs.
• Dad myths.
• The changing role of fathers.
• An overview of the generative perspective.
• Erikson’s life stages of development.
• The generative framework and men.
• How the deficit perspective of men is expressed.
• An alternative perspective of fathering.
• Men and adult relationships.

The first section of this topic focuses on working with men as fathers and builds on the existence of a range of ideas and available resources. The content of this section is extracted from the Father-inclusive practice guide. It provides an excellent resource and workplace project to support the development of a father-friendly program or organisation.

This guide was developed as a resource to support the Father-inclusive practice pilot project being undertaken by the Australian Government through FaHCSIA. It was done in partnership with a group of experienced practitioners and 16 service providers from the Family Relationship Services Program (FRSP) and Early Childhood Program (ECP) sectors.

Working with men is all about the relationship. When you explore good practice with men, like working with women, it is rich in relationship connections. That relationship may be between the men’s/community health worker and the male clients, or between the men and key relationships in their life. The commonality is that it has a strong connection with people, important objects or locations like the bush, the shed or cars.

Useful resources about fathering

Australian Family Relationships Clearinghouse – Briefing Papers (www.aifs.gov.au/afrc/pubs/pubs.html#brief)

Hey Dad Program and resources Parenting education programs, DVD and Photolanguage (Email: hey.dad@brokenbay.catholic.org.au)

Fathering after separation parenting program (www.fahcsia.gov.au)

Family Relationships Online (www.familyrelationships.gov.au)

Men’s Group – The movie (www.mensgroupthemovie.com)

Mensline Australia (www.menslineaus.org.au)

Parenting and Indigenous Men Posters (www.snaicc.asn.au/srs/projects/parentingandmen/posters.html)

Sons of the Fathers DVD (inside a men’s group) (www.fathersandsons.com.au)

Working with Men Kit (programs, posters and booklets) (Email: info@ifp.nsw.edu.au)

Networks

Mensline Australia (www.menslineaus.org.au)

Australian Camp Connect Association (www.campconnect.org.au/resources_intl.shtml)

Men’s Health and Well Being Association (www.mhwaq.org.au)

Men’s Health Information and Resource Centre contains online articles (www.menshealthaustralia.net)

National Father-Inclusive Practice Framework Website (www.newcastle.edu.au/centre/fac/efathers/includingfathers)

Men and Family Relationship Practitioners Network (www.mfrn.net.au)

International networks

Father Involvement Initiative – Ontario Network (www.cfii.ca/)

Fatherhood Institute – UK’s fatherhood think-tank (www.fatherhoodinstitute.org)

Fatherwork – USA overview of the generative perspective (fatherwork.byu.edu/ideas.htm)

Father-inclusive practice – what is it?

Father-inclusive practice occurs when the needs of fathers (biological and social) are responded to through the planning, development and delivery of services. For services aiming to support families, bringing fathers into everyday activities is a crucial part of inclusive practice. This recognises families as a system, and acknowledges a balance between the needs of fathers and the family as a group.

Because many family-based services have evolved to respond primarily to the needs of mothers and children, father-inclusive practice may require a process of planned change and managed learning that involves building sustainable relationships between staff, family members and the community.

Father-inclusive practice:

• recognises the diverse circumstances, strengths and interests of fathers
• takes a positive approach to the diversity of men, their needs and expectations
• encourages men and service providers to openly celebrate and value fathering.

By aiming to involve fathers and harness their full potential, services aim to promote and contribute to the wellbeing of children and families. The benefits of this approach include:

• the reduction of difficult behaviours and crime in the lives of young people
• raising educational achievements
• improving health
• preventing child abuse.

Further information can be found at www.newcastle.edu.au/includingfathers

By including fathers, services also have the opportunity to promote and facilitate a ‘team’ approach to parenting that research clearly indicates will benefit family life and improve outcomes for children.

Why engage fathers?

• Dads are committed to their children and are looking for ways to be involved in their lives.
• The relationship between fathers and mothers has a significant impact on the health and wellbeing of children.
• When dads are engaged and involved in their families, both children and mothers benefit.
• Many fathers want to parent differently to the way in which they were parented.
• Dads think differently to mums.
• To increase the number of men engaging in services.
• More men are becoming primary caregivers and are expressing their needs as fathers.
• To reduce the parenting skill gap between mothers and fathers.
• Structures that benefit the community.
• Opportunities to promote team parenting through father-inclusive practice.
• Parenting is a team sport.

IT’S HARD TO WIN WHEN HALF THE TEAM IS ON THE SIDELINE!

Programs for fathers can help to...

• enhance existing parenting skills
• develop a peer network with other fathers who share similar like experiences
• encourage positive father-child interaction
• increase parenting information and confidence
• promote father involvement within the family unit
• decrease isolation by networking with other fathers and professional support staff
• increase the amount of time spent between father and child
• increase the number of positive interactions between the father and child.

Barriers to father-inclusive programs

• Fathers have a different parenting experience to that of mothers.
• There is less social pressure to be involved.
• Fathers tend to be more socially isolated as parents.
• Men may find it difficult to participate in services that are held in the day during work hours.
• Men may not be able to get time off work.
• Some men lack flexibility of work schedule to attend parenting programs.
• Fathers are often viewed as less competent than mothers.
• Family arrangements and socio-economic realities.
• Fathers are often open to support, however, there is little available to them in the community.
• Fathers may not be aware of services already in place, or assume that those they know about are for women.

Dad myths

Some common false beliefs about men looking after children (adapted from ‘Dad myths’ card, www.fathersdirect.com and ABS data) include:

Myth – Only mums can bond with babies

Men can be super-sensitive to babies – their heart rates race as fast as a woman’s when they hear a baby cry. Fathers can recognise their infants by the feel of their hands after only 60 minutes touch, even when blindfolded. When a man feeds a baby, he responds as carefully as a woman when the baby needs to pause.

Myth – Dads don’t make much difference

Young children with involved dads fit in better at daycare and school, learn better and have fewer behavioural problems. They make friends more easily and are better able to understand how other people feel. Later, they have more contented love lives, better mental health and are less likely to get into trouble with the police. All this is true for girls as much as for boys, whether or not they live with their dads.

Myth – A dad’s main job is making the money

Child care statistics show that fathers are increasingly prioritising their child care responsibilities. According to the 2002 ABS Child Care Survey, 30 per cent of employed fathers of children aged under 12 years made use of family friendly work arrangements to care for their children. This increased from 24 per cent in 1993.

Myth – Only mums really look after children

Australian fathers are increasingly spending more time with their children. The 1997 ABS Time Use Survey found that men are spending 20 minutes more a day playing with their children and 18 minutes more during the weekend teaching and helping their children, than they were in 1992.

The changing role of fathers

Over the years, the role of the father has significantly changed from the provider and protector role, to one where they must also address the other needs of their children. Today, the role of the father can be broken up into six different categories:

• A responsible father means doing things like organising your child/ren’s doctor appointments, arranging for a babysitter, buying their back to school supplies, and making sure they clean their teeth.
• A remembering father will regularly be thinking about their child.
• A nurturing father will feed their child/ren, give them a bath, buy clothes for them, and take them to the doctor.
• An affectionate father will regularly give their child hugs and kisses and let them know they are loved.
• An Interactive father plays with their child/ren, communicates with them and expresses ideas, positive emotions and free thought.
• The provider/ protector father makes sure they are providing for their family and ensuring their child is safe.

An overview of the generative perspective

There are many theoretical approaches to understanding and working with relationships. The generative approach to life stages is a model used in understanding ageing and also in understanding fathering. The model was developed by Erik Erikson in the 20th century.

Erikson builds his stages of human development on a series of dyads or opposite personality traits. People think of themselves as optimistic or pessimistic, independent or dependent, emotional or unemotional, adventurous or cautious, leader or follower, aggressive or passive.

Based in part on his study of Sioux Indians on a reservation, Erikson became aware of the massive influence of culture on behaviour and placed more emphasis on the external world, such as depression and wars. He felt the course of development is determined by the interaction of the body (genetic biological programming), mind (psychological), and cultural (ethos) influences (Harder, 2008).

He organised life into eight stages that extend from birth to death (many developmental theories only cover childhood). Since adulthood covers a span of many years, Erikson divided the stages of adulthood into the experiences of young adults, middle-aged adults and older adults. Erikson was the first developmental theorist who saw ‘old age’ as being positive and expected that older people continue to make a significant contribution and experience new learning.

Central to Erikson’s ideas is the belief that somewhere along the way the strength of the human spirit can be ignited and deficits overcome. Erikson divided the lifecycle up into eight life stages that are still relevant today and especially relevant when working with men.

Erikson’s life stages of development

1. Infancy: Birth to 18 months

Trust vs. Mistrust
Basic strength: Drive and hope

Erikson also referred to infancy as the Oral Sensory Stage (as anyone might know who watches a baby putting everything in his/her mouth) where the major emphasis is on the parent’s positive and loving care for the child, with a big emphasis on visual contact and touch. If we pass successfully through this period of life, we will learn to trust that life is basically okay and have basic confidence in the future. If we fail to experience trust and are constantly frustrated because our needs are not met, we may end up with a deep-seated feeling of worthlessness and a mistrust of the world in general (Harder, 2008).

2. Early childhood: 18 months to 3 years

Autonomy vs. Shame
Basic strengths: Self-control, courage and will

During this stage we learn to master skills for ourselves. Not only do we learn to walk, talk and feed ourselves, we are learning fine motor development as well as the much appreciated toilet training. Here we have the opportunity to build self-esteem and autonomy as we gain more control over our bodies and acquire new skills, learning right from wrong. And one of our skills during the ‘Terrible Twos’ is our ability to use the powerful word ‘NO!’ It may be painful for parents, but it develops important skills of the will (Harder, 2008).

3. Play age: 3 to 5 years

Initiative vs. Guilt
Basic strength: Purpose

During this period we experience a desire to copy the adults around us and take initiative in creating play situations. We make up stories, use toy phones and miniature cars, playing out roles in a trial universe, experimenting with the blueprint for what we believe it means to be an adult. We also begin to use that wonderful word for exploring the world- ‘WHY?’ (Harder, 2008).

4. School age: 6 to 12 years

Industry vs. Inferiority
Basic strengths: Method and competence

During this stage, we are capable of learning, creating and accomplishing numerous new skills and knowledge. This is also a very social stage of development and if we experience unresolved feelings of inadequacy and inferiority among our peers, we can have serious problems in terms of competence and self-esteem (Harder, 2008).

5. Adolescence: 12 to 18 years

Identity vs. Role confusion
Basic strengths: Devotion and fidelity

Up to this stage, according to Erikson, development mostly depends upon what is done to us. From here on, development depends primarily upon what we do. Adolescence is a stage at which we are neither a child nor an adult. Life is definitely getting more complex as we attempt to find our own identity, struggle with social interactions, and grapple with moral issues. Our task is to discover who we are as individuals separate from our family of origin and as members of a wider society. It is no surprise that our most significant relationships are with peer groups (Harder, 2008).

6. Young adulthood: 18 to 35 years

Intimacy and solidarity vs. Isolation
Basic strengths: Affiliation and love

In the initial stage of being an adult we seek one or more companions and love as we try to find mutually satisfying connections, primarily through relationships and friends. If negotiating this stage is successful, we can experience intimacy on a deep level (Harder, 2008).

7. Middle adulthood: 35 to 55

Generativity vs. Self absorption or stagnation
Basic strengths: Production and care

Now work is most crucial. Erikson observed that middle-age is when we tend to be occupied with creative and meaningful work and with issues surrounding our family. Also, middle adulthood is when we can expect to ‘be in charge’.

The significant task is to perpetuate culture and transmit values of the culture through the family (taming the kids) and working to establish a stable environment. Strength comes through care of others and production of something that contributes to the betterment of society, which Erikson calls generativity, and people often fear inactivity and meaninglessness. Significant relationships are found within the workplace, the community and the family (Harder, 2008).

8. Late adulthood: 65 years to death

Integrity vs. Despair
Basic strengths: Wisdom

Erikson felt that much of life is preparing for the middle adulthood stage and the last stage is recovering from it. Perhaps that is because as older adults we can often look back on our lives with happiness and contentment, feeling fulfilled with a deep sense that life has meaning and we’ve made a contribution. Erikson calls this integrity. Our strength comes from a wisdom that the world is very large and we now have a detached concern for the whole of life, accepting death as the completion of life (Harder, 2008).

The generative framework and men

Generativity involves the capacity to care for the next generation and demands the ability to give something of yourself to another person. It includes community building and is historically reflected in the strong support that people give to service clubs, Lifeline, the SES and the Rural Fire Services etc. Generativity can mean serving as a guide, mentor or coach to kids, young people or adults. Research indicates that between 30 to 45 years, our need for achievement decreases and our need for influence or community increases (Vaillant, 2002). Vaillant (2002) writes along with Martin Seligman in advocating a positive psychology approach to practice and understanding people’s behaviour.

Besides being applied to human development for men, women and fathering, generativity has had a significant contribution to ageing. The Harvard Study of Adult Development reviewed societal trends in the last 50 years and concluded that generativity is the best indicator for healthy ageing. The study concluded that ‘the old were put on the earth to nurture the young’ (Vaillant, 2002). However, this learning is not about just giving to others but is found also in the receiving. A key question they used was ‘what have you learnt from your children?’ even though some people found it hard to answer or even ridiculous to consider.

Generativity is powered by the motivation to ‘invest one’s substance in forms of life and work that will outlive the self’ (Vaillant, 2002). The following story outlines how one father put generativity into practice.

There are many reasons that men are not often seen in health/community welfare centres. Most significantly, appointment times are during the day when it is difficult for men or women to have time off from work. Also many men question and are wary of involvement with external community welfare agencies. King (2005) recognises that many men have a strong suspicion about people who influence their family life. Besides trusting family members, many men have little trust and question the relevance of new ideas about relationships until some change is required.

From boyhood, competitiveness is nurtured as young men are taught not to ‘be walked over by other people’. This process continues as the child grows into manhood with entrenched values of independence and autonomy. For many men, a suggestion that they need to change what they are thinking or doing is met by a high degree of resistance. Especially when a suggestion contains a deficit assumption like ‘men should show more of their feelings’. This assumption is that something needs to be fixed; the father has to learn to act differently. Due to this, professionals need to work harder at the pre-engagement stage (discussed further in this guide) when working with men to find an alternative way to deal with any suspicion and defensiveness.

The generative approach is relevant for men, women and young people. However, it is valuable for understanding male behaviour as they tend to define themselves by a narrower set of roles. These roles often involve having an impact on the world around them through work, sport, their family or friends. The framework is easily applied to fathering (Fleming 2002; King 2000, 2001, 2005; King, Sweeney & Fletcher 2004).

Erikson considered parenthood to be the primary developmental task of adulthood that includes both the moral obligation to attend to the needs of the next generation and the recognition that caring for children is central to personal and societal well being (Erikson, 1975). The non-deficit perspective, an approach to understanding and working with fathers (King 2000, 2001, 2005; King, Sweeney & Fletcher 2004), suggests that most fathers are interested in family life and that their engagement with support services is influenced by a variety of relationship challenges. These challenges can impact in a phenomenon called ‘generative chill’ that is discussed later in the next topic on skills used when working with men (King 2001).

The main concepts in the generative framework are based on two core ideas. The first is that the human context creates needs in the next generation that fathers have an ethical responsibility to meet, and the second is that fathers and their children both benefit and develop from this process of interaction’ (Hawkins & Dollahite, 1997 as cited in Fleming, 2007). Generative fathering involves the next generation and also recognises that it is beneficial both to the child and the father.

The non-deficit assumptions recognise that fathers have the desire and ability to (Hawkins & Dollahite 1997; King 2000):

• commit – to provide physical and ongoing support and involvement with the child throughout his/her lifetime
• choose – to make day-to-day decisions for their children that meet each child’s needs
• care – to attend to the important transitions in a child’s life and to work to provide the optimal conditions that maximise their growth
• change – to adapt as children grow older and the father matures in his relationship with his children
• create – to provide resources for material wellbeing and the resolution of problems that allow opportunities for the development of emotional wellbeing
• connect – to form lasting and healthy attachments with their children and other significant people. These attachments will change over time to meet their child’s evolving needs
• communicate – to relate with children by sharing meaningfully with them, both verbally and non-verbally.

The generative framework involves caring for or influencing someone external to you or supporting the development of the next generation. Hawkins and Dollahite believe that practicing generativity is central to men’s own sense of self esteem and growth (Fleming, 2007).

How the deficit perspective assumption is expressed

Hawkins and Dollahite (1997) emphasise that deficit assumptions are expressed in the following contexts:

All these assumptions highlight the deficiencies of men at the expense of acknowledging that the basic motivational force for many men is a deep love for their family and the desire to be a good father. While the deficit assumption may adequately describe the behaviour of some men, it lacks the potential for engaging them and creating life change.

According to Hawkins and Dollahite (1997), deficit assumptions create little change in fathers because they:

• have little recognition of growth and development
• misconstrue the motives, feelings, attitudes and hopes of most fathers
• create barriers to change rather than its promotion
• have a narrow standard of good parenting.

An alternative perspective of fathering

If alternative assumptions were adopted, fathering would be seen in a different light. The new picture recognises that men often want to father differently from how they were fathered, and that good fathering is something that is necessary to their own wellbeing (fundamental motivation). It also suggests that a father’s care for his children is a ‘central feature of his life’s work and you would expect him to strive for competence in this arena’ (Hawkins & Dollahite, 1997).

The adoption of a non-deficit perspective influences program development. Instead of instructing fathers about their shortcomings and the things they are not doing, the fathering program validates different aspects of what fathers already do well. It is at this point, that greater freedom is generated in the group to explore the barriers that prevent men from achieving what they desire.

King (2005) states that many men identify fathering as something which is active, challenging, creative, irreplaceable, hard work and a central part of their life, regardless of their family relationships. This is the cornerstone of understanding fathering as a generative experience, where men often re-evaluate their life and work towards the care and protection of their children throughout their whole lifetime.

Men and adult relationships

Building on Erikson’s stages of human development, Vaillant suggests that adult development for men and women progresses through a series of stages (as detailed in the table below). No theoretical approach to ageing is entirely accurate, but they can provide predictability for motivation and behaviour. Valliant’s research indicates that successful ageing means giving to and receiving from others joyously whenever one is able.

Identity	Discover who we are as individuals separate from our family of origin and as members of a wider society. It is no surprise that our most significant relationships are with peer groups
Intimacy	Find mutually satisfying connections, primarily through relationships and friends. If negotiating this stage is successful, we can experience intimacy on a deep level
Career consolidation	Experience success in how we survive within the world
Generativity	Influence others and learn from them important messages
Keeper of the meaning	Capturing and passing on for the longer future these key messages and learning
Integrity	Acceptance of our one and only life cycle as something that is to be, and that permits no substitution.

Source: Vaillant,2002

Vaillant identifies three concepts of normal ageing:

1. In positive ageing, healthy individuals demonstrate characteristics of maturity (e.g. forgiveness, gratitude, and joy)
2. Healthy ageing requires sufficient quantity as well as quality of learning from or influencing other people
3. Graceful ageing is demonstrated by a simple acceptance of one’s fate in a genuine and socially connected way.

Again, building on Erikson’s stages of human development, the last major theme of Vaillant’s book is that people can change. This is based on the belief that adult character development is not set in concrete. Poor development is associated with either alcoholism or major depression. Studies of inner city men showed that coping well in adolescence predicted successful old age (Vaillant, 2002). Vaillant wisely points out that life is a paradox of change and conformity. By age 70, early life factors are no longer relevant. Rather, character-based choices (e.g. spouse, drinking alcohol and lifestyle) influence the ultimate outcome. Vaillant destroys the myth that early childhood conflict haunts us forever and says that ultimately what went right is more important than what went wrong.

The non-deficit assumptions are active words that provide men a direction for how they can respond to issues. They are powerful verbs and can be used by practitioners as they talk with male clients:

• Commit – How do you show your commitment to your children?
• Choose – What is an important choice you have made this week that has a significant impact on other people?
• Care – Can you tell me about an experience when you cared for and nurtured your child? What did you learn about nurturing children from that experience?
• Change – Can you tell me about any important sacrifices you have made in your life that demonstrate how much you care about (child’s name)?
• Create – Are there any particular things that help you to be the kind of father to (child’s name) that he/she needs you to be?
• Connect – Can you tell me about an experience when you felt especially close emotionally to (child’s name)? What meaning does that experience have for you now?
• Communicate – Can you tell me about the most enjoyable experience you’ve ever had with (child’s name)? What meaning does that experience have for you now?

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